This Very Moment
by Amikotsu
Summary: Shikamaru manages to save one valuable life, and then everything falls apart, or maybe it's everything falls into place. ShikaNeji.
1. His Savior

_**His Savior**_

 _"The next time you feel useless and impotent, remember what you are in fact doing in_ this very moment _. And then observe your tiny, seemingly meaningless acts and choices coalesce and cascade together into a powerful positive whole." — Vera Nazarian_

* * *

The large explosion shook the ground, sending him to his knees. His heart beat out of his chest. He had to scramble to get back to his feet, his body still not moving fast enough. The only thing on his mind was his father, and yet he knew the outcome. He knew the ending move before the explosion even happened. Tears were cascading down Ino's face, but he steeled himself. He had to maintain his composure, even if the destruction of the building, and the end of his father's life, rocked him to the core.

Shikamaru hated himself. He felt the anger; he bathed in the hostility. He knew, and understood, the emotions clinging to his heart and devouring his mind. He blamed himself. If he had done something. If he had fought harder. He wanted to blame Naruto, to spit on the boy's promise to protect the inhabitants of the village. He couldn't. He had no one else to blame, no one else deserving of the blame, so he blamed himself. Only after the battle did he sink to his knees in the rubble and allow himself to cry. Among the dead, he feared no judgment. Among the corpses, he felt at home.

There wasn't a body. There were no remains. So when Shikamaru finally had the ability to stand, when he finally made his way to the area where his father had been, he had no body to claim. The blast had likely burnt away flesh and bone. After such an attack, Shikaku failed to even exist. It was as if the man never lived at all. If it weren't for Shikamaru, one might assume that the man was nothing more than make believe, a being born of an overactive imagination.

Nothing could have described the pain, the burning, white-hot pain that coursed through his veins and circulated throughout his beaten body. He had lost so much, too much. The first thing he argued was the fairness of it all. Fate. Destiny. Damnation. He couldn't decide which avenue to take, for they all led to the same conclusion. He deserved better. He didn't deserve to lose his parents and his sensei-he didn't deserve to lose the small child he had sworn to protect. And yet he had. Shikamaru had no moves remaining. The game was over.

Shikamaru returned to the battlefield, the plain so littered with bodies, and he looked around at the survivors. They had nowhere to go, nowhere to seek shelter, so they mingled amongst the dead like trespassers. All around him, people were calling for medic nins, but the medics were swamped, overwhelmed with so many cases. Ino and Sakura were already covered in blood, their chakra dangerously low, but they kept moving. All the while, Shikamaru remained still. He could hear, but everything he heard made it sound as if he were underwater. The voices were muffled; the shouts were like whispers. Off to his left side, someone doubled over and collapsed, finally succumbing to exhaustion.

Clenching and unclenching his fists, he tried to relax, but he couldn't release the tension from his muscles. His body only knew the fight, even after the threat had passed. Without warning, he felt the bile rising to the back of his throat. He bent over and threw up all over the bloodstained ground, his stomach acid like another layer to the nightmare. He dry-heaved a few more times, just until his body was satisfied that he had nothing left to give, and then he shuffled a few steps. He had nowhere to go, so he took a seat in a small clearing and tried to look for something positive, some glimmer of hope. Finding none, he rested his forearms on his bent knees and watched the people fluttering about like drunken butterflies.

"We need help looking for survivors," Ino hurriedly spoke. Her blonde hair was lifeless, stained various shades from blood and dirt. Seconds passed between them before Shikamaru actually forced himself back to his feet. Before he took his first steps, she moved on to find more people willing to help.

They were drained of chakra. They were buried under rubble. They were layered, body on top of body. The first body he came across belonged to Neji. Shikamaru stooped down beside the body and felt for a pulse, and he felt a faint one, something that must have been overlooked. He wrapped his arms around Neji and pulled the man from beneath another corpse. He half-dragged, half-pulled until he found a clear spot to lower Neji back to the ground. For once, he felt like one of the others. He was the one looking left and right, trying to reach out to passing medic nins. His attempts failed, but he refused to accept failure.

"I need a medic! I found a survivor!" Normally, he hated yelling, but he had to yell. His voice had to carry over the other screams, the screams of agony and desperation. Without a response, he dropped to his knees and checked for a pulse again. Neji's heartbeat was slow, like the movement of gentle wings, but present.

With help unwilling or unable to respond, Shikamaru took off his flak jacket, folded it into fours, and placed it underneath the man's head. Shikamaru forced himself back to his feet and jogged in the direction of his former teammate. Ino looked ready to drop dead, but he needed her abilities, however minute, to help save their fellow shinobi's life.

"Shikamaru, I don't have time right now!" Ino immediately lashed out at him, having assumed he wanted something insignificant, but he overlooked her verbal lashing and directed her attention over to Hyuga Neji. "He's gone. I can't-I can't bring him back from the dead," Ino spoke, her voice clipped and yet pained.

"How troublesome," he muttered, forcibly guiding her toward Neji. "Can you help him or not? I can go get Sakura," he said, trying his best to gauge Ino's abilities and the time restraint.

"Hn," she huffed, "he's lost a lot of blood. I think it might be too late."

Too late. Shikamaru kneeled down on the other side of Neji and applied pressure to the large wound on Neji's chest, the wound that appeared so gruesome that it made Shikamaru want to vomit all over again. Dried blood was crusted on the outer edges of the wound, while fresh blood continued to pour from the center of the wound. Ine couldn't get the bleeding to stop, so she stood up and ran to get Sakura, leaving Shikamaru to continue applying pressure.

"You better not die on me, Neji," Shikamaru said through gritted teeth. "I refuse to lose anyone else."

Not long after those words, Ino returned with Sakura. The green chakra was warm and soothing, but Shikamaru imagined it was anything but soothing for Neji. He couldn't imagine the mending of skin, the graphing of bone.

"We have to get him out of here now. We'll take him to the field hospital. Shikamaru, can you carry him there? I stopped a majority of the bleeding, but he's got internal bleeding and broken bones. I think one punctured his lung," Sakura rambled on.

Taking in those words, Shikamaru felt as if he were losing everyone all over again. He'd found a survivor only to receive such negative feedback. Neji wasn't a survivor at all. Seeing Shikamaru's dazed expression, Ino pulled back and slapped him right on his chest. He forced himself to concentrate, something normally so natural to him, and pulled Neji into his arms. Ino broke off to check on Hinata, since she'd discovered a couple of survivors, and Sakura and Shikamaru continued to the field station.

"Stay with him," Sakura said, her voice firm.

"There are other survivors," Shikamaru said, his expression blank.

"We've scoured these grounds. Any survivors are centered in this area and they're in critical condition," Sakura continued, interrupted by Shikamaru.

"Like Neji," he frowned.

"He'll make it. He has to." Sakura gave Shikamaru's upper arm a little squeeze, and then they parted ways.

A number of medic nins scrambled over to Neji, instructing Shikamaru on where to place the severely injured man. Neji still had a pulse, but he appeared paler than he had on the battlefield. Shikamaru hadn't exactly seen the moment Neji was hit, but he saw the aftermath. He raised his left arm and wiped at his brow, removing the sweat and blood that had gathered there.

"You're bleeding," an older healer spied, "let me take a look at you."

"Tch, I'm fine," he dismissed her, holding up a hand to keep her away from him. "Just fix my friend."

"Your friend is unlikely to make a recovery," she sighed, standing back and watching her fellow medics tend to Neji. There was no privacy in the large tent, not with the number of beds and bodies and healers. There were shinobi everywhere, some dead, some suffering. "We will do our best though. We always do."

"How long is this going to take? How long until you know?" Shikamaru was already watching the medics work, but he began to truly pay attention to their movements. He watched the green chakra as it radiated from their hands to Neji's chest. The wound didn't look so gruesome, but the bleeding hadn't completely stopped.

Shikamaru turned around and walked out. He couldn't sit there and wait to hear whether Neji lived or died. His lungs were screaming for a cigarette, just something to hold him together when he felt like falling apart. He needed his cigarette to feel as if he had control over something, even if that something was only his health. When he moved far enough from the tent, he reached into his front pocket and pulled out a crumpled package of cigarettes. Some of the cigarettes were broken, some bent, but he found a couple that were still in good enough condition. He lit one of the cigarettes and placed the filter between his lips. From there, he watched the smoke as it drifted off into the night sky.

It took the medics hours to stabilize Neji, to say with certainty that he'd survived. By that point, Shikamaru had long ago finished his two cigarettes. He'd left to grab his flak jacket, having left it behind when he helped transport Neji to the field hospital, and he'd checked on Chouji. The man had been quite the warrior, but he'd ended up needing treatment for a broken leg. His team had limped through, despite their great losses.

"He's going to be fine," the same medic greeted him.

"Will there be any lasting damage?" Shikamaru forced himself to ask the question, knowing he needed the answer.

"We won't know for sure until he's up and walking, but I don't think there will be any lasting damage," the woman smiled. "He's lucky to have you."

"What?" Shikamaru blushed and opened his mouth to correct her, but she'd been called away to another case. So he stood there, his mouth slightly ajar, until he heard groaning. His head snapped to the left, in the direction of Neji's bed, and he watched as the man tried to sit up. "How troublesome," he muttered, slowly moving over to Neji's side. He placed a hand on Neji's shoulder and held the man down. "Take it easy. You just came out of surgery."

Neji started coughing then and he turned onto his side, curling up into himself. He looked so small, so vulnerable, and Shikamaru regretted the fact that he hadn't inserted so much concern and comfort into his previous words. Sighing, he stooped down next to the cot and rubbed Neji's upper back. It was a moment they both needed: Neji needed the comforting gesture and Shikamaru needed to provide the comforting gesture. Someone had survived. Shikamaru had managed to save someone's life.

* * *

 **A/N** : So! I changed things to fit the story. I'm well aware of the fact. This story will focus more on the relationships between people rather than on action. If that's a problem, I'm really sorry! For disclaimer purposes, I don't own these characters, etc.


	2. Sunlight

**2\. Sunlight**

 _"You need to spend time crawling alone through shadows to truly appreciate what it is to stand in the sun." — Shaun Hick_

* * *

The survivors were led to the field hospital, while the dead were gathered in another section of the area. The focus then shifted to setting up actual camps, where people could rest and recover. Everyone knew the village needed rebuilding, that almost nothing had been spared, but they tackled one thing at a time. When Shikamaru had his tent set up, he shared with two other others, Chouji and Ino, but both of them had other responsibilities: Ino continued helping at the field hospital, while Chouji volunteered to help identify the dead. Shikamaru had been helping gather the corpses, at one point, but after darkness swept over the camp, he became one of the many focused on resting. He should have been resting, at least.

Instead of retiring to his tent, Shikamaru went back to the field hospital to check on Neji. The man had been in good enough condition, stable condition, so Shikamaru never expected to find the man in the midst of a seizure, surrounded by medics.

"What's going on?" He asked them all, but none of them responded. "Is he alright? Is he going to be alright? Damn it," he swore, trying his best to get more than a glimpse of his friend, his fellow fighter. He saw Neji convulsing, the man's limbs violently shaking, and he had to turn away. It took a few minutes for the seizure to pass, and the medics slowly made their way away from the cot. Three medics remained, assessing him and treating him.

"He had a bad reaction to the medication," Ino explained. Of course Ino was one of the ones treating Neji, and Shikamaru was thankful someone actually remembered his questions and provided him some sort of answer. "It could happen to anyone." She sounded exhausted, and she mentioned afterwards that she finally had time enough to sleep, but he couldn't tear his eyes away from the pale flesh of Neji's chest.

The Hyuga looked absolutely drained. Neji's clothing had been exchanged for a hospital gown, but the medics had ripped open the chest portion to try and check on his heart. They mentioned something about him being stable, but Shikamaru couldn't agree. When he'd seen a patient in similar condition, the boy had died, barely lasting through the night. Ino seemed to notice her former teammate's inner struggle, so she placed a hand on his shoulder. The two of them watched as a medic continued to work on Neji. The woman replaced the drugs in Neji's IV and moved on, as if she hadn't been there at all.

Another medic came over to replace Neji's hospital gown, so Shikamaru turned away, muttering about how the hospital seemed like a real drag. Ino really wanted to punch him, but she restrained herself. She had to snort to keep from laughing, and Shikamaru almost caught himself smiling. But a somber moment fell over the two.

"Thanks," Ino whispered.

"For what?" Shikamaru inquired.

"For keeping me straight on the field. When the tower exploded," Ino paused, swallowing hard, "I felt like I wanted to explode along with it."

Dangerous. The topic was dangerous. Shikamaru clenched his fists, his short nails digging into his palms. He couldn't stand to think the thoughts that swirled around his mind, but Ino kept talking, saying things he couldn't handle. He didn't want to think about his father anymore. He needed to focus on something else, on someone else, and he'd chosen Neji.

"Naruto and Sasuke were released a few hours ago," Ino said and smiled, though it was a forced smile. Anyone could have registered the hurt in her eyes, but she tried her hardest to hide it away. They were both just hiding away.

"I'll find Naruto later," Shikamaru nodded. Neither one of them needed to approach the subject of Sasuke. He had no interest in seeing Sasuke. He held no grudge, but he had no real desire to see the man. There was no reason. "The seizure," he began.

"We're waiting to see if he survives the night. He hasn't woken up again."

Ino's words hung in the air, long after she had left. Shikamaru thought about them over and over again, but he couldn't find any hidden meanings, any further promises. Neji had a fifty-fifty chance, basically, and Shikamaru hated the odds. He wasn't a gambler, but he felt as if he'd been forced into a round. Everyone knew his hand, except for himself. It was only fitting that Tsunade brushed past him, finally making her presence known. He'd assumed that the Hokage had nothing left to offer, but she surprised them all just by standing. Chakra exhaustion hadn't ruined her stubborn nature.

"Hi-na-ta," a voice spoke, the name broken up into pieces as if the whole thing took too much energy. Shikamaru wasn't stupid, so he wasted no time looking around. He moved closer to the cot and stooped down to Neji's level. The man had a hand outstretched, feeling for someone's presence, so Shikamaru took the hand in his own.

"She's fine," Shikamaru answered. "She was treated for exhaustion, but she's resting in her tent," he continued on, knowing the more of an explanation he gave, the better the chance that Neji would remain on the cot.

"Shika?" Neji tried to get out the rest of the name, but he dissolved into a violent coughing fit, one accompanied by blood. At once, Shikamaru jerked to his feet and called out for Ino, but the girl was on the other side of the tent, too involved with another patient. He dropped back down to Neji's side and wiped the blood away from the corner of the man's mouth.

"You're too much trouble," Shikamaru frowned, trying his best to be playful in a bad situation. He deduced that the blood would be normal, at least until Neji's body fully recovered, so he gave up calling for further assistance. As it was, no other medic was available. They needed rest too.

"Did we win?" Neji took his time when he spoke, his breathing labored. He looked up at Shikamaru with such hope that Shikamaru couldn't help but smile.

"Yeah," Shikamaru smiled, "yeah, we won."

At once, Neji relaxed, his body finally at peace. Shikamaru had to wonder if Neji had accepted death; instead, it seemed as if Neji was simply more inclined to sleep. He stayed with Neji for another hour, but he left after that, silently vowing to check on the man once the sun rose. He returned to his empty tent and curled up in his sleeping bag, but his mind continued working, pursuing more and more possibilities. It was a miracle that they had survived, and yet he didn't believe in miracles. It was a tragedy that so many people had died, and yet he chalked it up to weakness. But some of the survivors were weaker than the perished ones. His mind went in circles, rotating faster and faster, but the endless questions went unanswered.

By dawn, people around him had left their tents. He tried to sleep, but there was no use trying to force the fitful sleep he'd had overnight. He slid his body out of his sleeping bag, fumbled with a few scrolls, and then ate a couple of ration bars. He'd changed into sleeping pants and a shirt, so he emerged in the same. A group of people had left to survey the damage and come up with a plan, the Hokage and the remaining higher authorities being among them. He had to wonder why Tsunade hadn't asked him to join the party, but he assumed it was because she had "more than enough brats," as he'd once heard her say.

"You look like shit," Sasuke said, since the two of them met at one of the entrances to the field hospital.

"You look worse," Shikamaru countered. He looked over the blood-soaked attire adorning the Uchiha and he had to agree that his comeback was correct. The man looked absolutely destroyed, especially with the fact that both of his arms were in casts. "Your arms are broken," he stated, not bothering to ask useless questions.

"Shattered," Sasuke replied with a nod. "Naruto's legs were broken, but we both know about his healing abilities."

"Unfair," Shikamaru joked, earning the smallest of smiles from the other man. They both lingered there, ready to continue their conversation, but the sight of Neji sitting up on his cot automatically destroyed any chance. "I need to check on Neji."

"I heard about what happened. He sacrificed his life for Hinata and Naruto. He didn't have to," Sasuke said, his voice lowered so that the words stayed between the two of them. Shikamaru looked Sasuke in the eyes, a shocked expression on the Nara's face. "You didn't know," Sasuke frowned.

"No," Shikamaru said, a frown on his own face, "I didn't."

"He's a hero."

"We're all heroes now."

They parted ways by Sasuke nudging his fist against Shikamaru's arm. There were no further words. Shikamaru was left to his thoughts, once again, and he accepted them. Neji had sacrificed his life to save his friend and his cousin, while Shikamaru had buried his own grief behind words of determination, dragging his former teammate down with him. Shikamaru acted brave, but Neji really was brave. They had differences between them that he couldn't deny. As Shikamaru approached, Neji stopped staring out at the sky and focused in on his visitor. Neji had already seen Hinata and Naruto, and both visitors had left him feeling exhausted, so he wasn't prepared for someone else. He was pleasantly surprised when that someone else turned out to be the Nara.

"You saved my life," Neji greeted him.

"How troublesome," Shikamaru mumbled to himself. Sadly, his words were heard by Neji, and Neji let out a bit of laughter followed by a rather violent coughing fit. "Don't die on me now," he said as he leaned over and patted Neji's back.

"That would be a terrible way to go," Neji agreed.

Shikamaru wasn't a man of many words, so the conversation dissolved as fast as it had begun, replaced by a comfortable silence. Neji swung his legs over the side of the bed and made to get up, but Shikamaru placed a hand on the man's shoulder, easing the eager patient back down onto the cot.

"I need to get out of this place," Neji frowned, looking around at all of the occupied cots. "I'm well enough," he argued. Neither of them could deny the fact that Neji was in a better position, but he'd recently had surgery and suffered a terrible seizure.

"Stay here," Shikamaru sighed. "I'll go find a medic."

Shikamaru had to weave his way around patients, visitors, and cots, but he successfully navigated his way through the field hospital. The medics were gathered around some of the worst patients. Shikamaru made out the layers of bandages covering the bodies, but he couldn't identify any of them. Shikamaru hoped it wasn't anyone he knew, but then he realized the selfishness in his silent request. He amended his thoughts to include a hope for a speedy recovery. He spotted Sakura leaving a patient and he intercepted her before she had a chance to locate another more critical patient.

"What do you want?" She was crabby, at best, and he couldn't really blame her. As far as he knew, she was on hour twenty-three, relying on other medics to follow her instructions and distribute the amount of chakra she no longer contained. "Shikamaru?" Sakura snapped her fingers in front of his face to draw his attention.

"Neji wants discharged," Shikamaru blandly spoke, his lack of interest clearly there.

"Another day, at least. Tell him," Sakura sighed, "tell him I'm sorry, but that's the best I can do."

The sunlight cast long shadows into the field hospital, its bright light shining on the numerous faces assigned to the cots. As Shikamaru made his way back to Neji, he couldn't help but notice the number of children in one particular section of the hospital. They were young, yes, but they'd obviously been above genin level to have been present. Still, he had to stop and stare at them. Their bodies would retain the scars of war. They'd never overcome their losses, however big or however small. Not even the sunlight made the day any brighter.


	3. What it Means to Live

**3\. What It Means to Live**

 _"But I also felt like an eggshell that had gotten a tiny crack. You can't repair something like that. All you can do is hope that it sticks together, hope that the crack doesn't grow until all your insides come spilling right out." — Leila Sales, This Song Will Save Your Life_

* * *

The work was more than troublesome. Shikamaru had never worked so hard in his life, and yet he'd never felt such satisfaction. Hard labor took his mind off of everything but the task at hand. When he worked on rebuilding the structure of a building or restoring the remains of another, he had to pay attention to detail or risk a collapse. His hands, once softer, had grown rough from the time he put into his work. There were others there, like Chouji, Shino, and Lee, but they hardly got an opportunity to talk. They had too much to do, so they had little time for pleasantries.

Their three meals of day rotated between ration bars, rice, and fish. They were loaded down on carbohydrates more than protein-they lacked in real protein. On days when there weren't fish, they had deer, hog, or bird. The deer were captured off in the forest, a good day's walk from the field hospital, but Shikamaru had a sneaking suspicion that they'd fled from Nara territory. He couldn't care less. He was the last remaining person in the Nara clan, and he chose not to concern himself with deer, not at a time of so much loss. After things had returned to normal, he'd fall back into a steady rhythm. He'd return to routine, and relish in the consistency.

Once Neji was released from the hospital, he opted to share a tent, which meant that Shikamaru had to deal with someone in his space. Chouji still spent his time elsewhere, most likely with a pretty kunoichi named Misao, and Ino opted to sleep at the field hospital. It wasn't as troublesome as Shikamaru had originally thought, but it wasn't the same as being alone. When Neji fell into one of his coughing fits, he woke Shikamaru. When Shikamaru got up to piss, he woke Neji. Their lives were, at least temporarily, connected.

A week after Neji's release from the field hospital, Shikamaru found himself tossing and turning in his sleeping bag. He could tell Neji was asleep, or he assumed the Hyuga was asleep, but Shikamaru couldn't find a comfortable position. More than that, Shikamaru kept having dreams about the war. He kept hearing the deafening roar associated with attacks. He kept seeing the battlefield littered with bodies. He awoke in cold sweats, his body quivering. Once he gave up on sleep, once he gave up on tossing and turning, Shikamaru lay on his back and looked at the moonlight filtering through the fabric of the tent.

"I can't sleep either," Neji finally spoke. He'd been pretending to sleep the entire time, but he hadn't thought it wise to speak up, not when Shikamaru seemed to be having a private moment. When he spoke, he slid upwards in his sleeping bag and got into a seated position. "My chest hurts."

"We should get you back to the hospital," Shikamaru decided.

"They're ghost pains, Shikamaru. I keep feeling myself get impaled. I keep dreaming about that moment, over and over again." Neji frowned, the moonlight making his expression evident in the darkness.

For a long few minutes, Shikamaru debated on whether or not he should share his own problems with Neji. The simple answer was that he deserved to bear his own weight and suffer quietly, but he was smart enough to know that wasn't necessarily the right thing to do. After some thought, he sighed and sat up in his sleeping bag. Any other time, he might have muttered about how _troublesome_ Neji was being, or how what they were about to do seemed like such a _drag_ ; instead, he remained quiet.

"I'm the last remaining Nara. My fellow clan members died on the battlefield. My dad was trapped in the tower when," he trailed off, his voice cracking. He cleared his throat, even as his eyes began to sting. "I keep seeing the dead bodies. There's blood everywhere. I keep asking myself how we're going to start over after such a slaughter. How are we supposed to go on? The obvious answer is that we endure and we go on as expected. We fight. We persevere. I have all the answers, but none of them seem to fit the equation. None of them satisfy me." Shikamaru finished with his words, but he could have gone on for hours about the intricacies of what they were all attempting to do by rebuilding instead of surrendering to their own despair.

"I'm sorry," Neji apologized, his head bowed both out of respect and out of thought. "I still have my uncle and my cousin, but most of the branch family died, sacrificed like lamb," he said, his words just as heavy as Shikamaru's. "You do endure. You do fight. The key is not doing it alone. That's something I learned from Naruto. You might be the only remaining Nara, but you aren't alone, Shikamaru."

Up until that point, Shikamaru had considered himself alone. Even surrounded by people, he felt alone; even with the company of his former teammates, he felt alone. The words spoken were difficult to accept, but easy enough to understand. He didn't know why, but he nodded. If he nodded, he thought, then he forced himself to continue on the path to acceptance.

They both needed their rest, or they might have continued talking, continued broaching subjects neither of them were had considered. When they lay down, they moved their sleeping bags closer together. Neither one of them knew which one made the initial move, but they didn't complain. They slept through the night, and that's all they needed. At dawn, both of them went their separate ways. Shikamaru went back to hard labor and Neji went to collect food.

It took weeks of the same routine to call the village rebuilding, but they were weeks well spent. Trade picked up again and outside materials flooded the blossoming village. The new Hokage, Kakashi, declared it a time of peace, and the outside villages sent in builders to help with the reconstruction of Konoha. The increased trade and the influx of qualified builders kicked the village into high gear. Shikamaru no longer worked his fingers to the bone, and Neji no longer spent all day hunting and gathering.

When they returned to their tent, on the final day that they'd have to share their tent, the two of them changed into their sleeping attire, their backs facing one another, and retired to their sleeping bags. They closed their eyes and waited for sleep, but sleep evaded them, as usual. They both had developed severe cases of insomnia.

"Were you offered a place at the first apartment building?" Shikamaru chose to break the silence first. He knew, by the lack of gentle snores and the occasional shifting around, that Neji had yet to fall asleep. "I know Sasuke and Naruto accepted the offer. It's really no surprise," Shikamaru said.

"I was, and I accepted the offer," Neji replied, after some time. "Were you offered a place?" Neji shifted around then, moving so that he faced Shikamaru. The two of them were looking at one another, though they couldn't exactly make out one another's facial expressions in the dark.

"I wasn't," Shikamaru admitted. The fact that he hadn't been offered a place seemed almost appropriate. He hadn't done as much as Sasuke and Naruto, not even as much as Ino, so it would have been surprising if he'd been offered an apartment. He sighed and turned onto his back, his hands clasped behind his head. Shikamaru's elbow just brushed against Neji's arm. Neji lay with his head resting on his right hand, still facing his friend.

"You're welcome to stay with me," Neji said, no hesitation in his voice. "Consider this your offer."

Shikamaru's lips twitched for a smile. The two of them had gotten along well enough, without fights or complaints; they seemed to suffer from the same insomnia, so they understood one another's sleeping habits. He couldn't think of a single reason to dismiss, or outright reject, Neji's offer, so he nodded once. Knowing that Neji likely couldn't see the nod, he muttered about it being so troublesome and then relied on his words.

"I accept your offer." He thought he made out the ghost of a smile passing over Neji's lips, but it could have been a passing shadow, it could have been an overactive imagination. Still, Shikamaru found some comfort in knowing he wouldn't be alone.

When he was alone, the nightmares returned. When he was alone, the stress vomiting returned. For some reason, he couldn't hold himself together. His composure went out the window. Some part of him wondered if he'd ever be cleared for duty again, due to his sensitivities. He knew, given the chance, that he'd hide them away, just as he'd hidden them away on the battlefield, just as he'd hidden them away throughout his entire career as a shinobi, but they'd grown exponentially. He didn't have basic fears anymore. He saw monsters. He saw phantoms. He saw bloodshed on an unimaginable scale. That's what it was like to live through war.

"You're shaking," Neji noticed, unsure of whether he should have brought up the fact or not.

"I was thinking about my future. I'll be unable to perform on missions if I can't get this under control," Shikamaru finally admitted, a tight frown on his lips.

"Stop thinking like that. It's only been about a month. We both need a little more time to recover," Neji reasoned, his own doubts dismissed in an attempt to provide comfort.

"Would you still follow the same path, if you knew this is how we'd end up?" Shikamaru didn't know where the question came from, but he felt as if he had to ask, as if he had to know. Neji seemed to consider the question and calculate his words, and every second that ticked by had Shikamaru further in doubt.

"No," Neji finally said, "I wouldn't have wasted so much time worried about my fate. In my own way, I am a prodigy, and I am a genius. I'm more than a branch family member, a bird bound in a cage. I wish I would have realized that I was the one holding myself back. I would have valued teamwork more. I would have valued my own family more. Would you follow the same path?"

It was Neji's turned to shift around, and he shifted so that he, too, rested on his back and stared up at the tent. In hindsight, he knew and understood. Everything was so much clearer, at the end of the road. Shikamaru listened intently, remembering Neji's fights before the war versus during the war. There was a huge difference in the man's determination and fighting style. He seemed hardened, yes, but also weightless. They'd all grown, by that point. Time did that.

"I want to say that I wouldn't. I have a lot of regrets, from before my genin days to now, and I want to correct my errors, but changing one thing could change them all. I may despise where we are right now, as a whole, but there are things we need to learn and grow from," Shikamaru answered.

"Don't think about the consequences. What are some things you would change?" Neji had to rephrase himself just to try and weasel more information out of the other man. In response, Shikamaru chuckled.

"I would have listened to my parents more. I was a lousy kid, not too helpful at all," Shikamaru thought aloud. "I don't think I would have become a shinobi of the Leaf. I think I would have rather entered into business. I could have mastered the laws and I'm great with money," Shikamaru smiled, though it was sad. "In the end, I always end up right back here, in this tent."

"I think you would have made a good businessman, Shikamaru," Neji said, his voice softer than usual. Shikamaru assumed it was due to sleep, not the other man's insecurity or uncertainty.

"I would have been terrible. Business ethics are a drag," Shikamaru laughed, tears forming in the corners of his eyes.

Someone from an adjacent tent had the nerve to shush them, and both men couldn't help but chuckle. Shikamaru asked about Lee and Tenten, while Neji asked about Chouji and Ino. They tried to keep talking until sleep eventually claimed them, but they ran out of things to say. They lapsed into a silence which threatened to devour them both. Somewhere between their last words and the moments before the silence imploded, Neji reached over and nudged his arm against Shikamaru's.

"You make a better ninja anyway." After those words, Neji curled into his sleeping bag and closed his eyes, just waiting for exhaustion to claim him. He left Shikamaru to stare, surprised by the compliment.


	4. Friends

**4\. Friends**

 _"You can try to treat me as a friend, but none of that will erase the fact that I think about kissing you every second I'm awake and dream at night of my hands on your body. And it sure as hell won't erase that I'm terrified by how much I like you." — Katie McGarry, Crash Into You_

* * *

Three days after the first apartment building was finished, the Hokage Tower was deemed fit enough for habitation, bringing the total number of stable buildings to three, including the hospital. Shikamaru no longer spent his days focused on the art of rebuilding. He was among the first to receive actual missions, even though the missions were C-rank, at best. Shikamaru had to travel to bordering lands to escort caravans stocked with food or filled with raw material, such as wood or metal. Rebuilding the village from the ground up took months, for more basic areas, and years, for the village as a whole.

Shikamaru hardly saw Neji. When he managed to spy the Hyuga, he saw the man in passing. Their lack of communication should have made their relationship awkward, or their living arrangements unsavory, but the both of them didn't seem to mind. Neji also had missions, his being more difficult and for longer durations. Neither of them missing scavenging for food or rebuilding with hardly any materials.

On one particularly warm night, Shikamaru sat on the balcony of their apartment and looked up at the night clouds. He lost himself in the ethereal quality of the wispy clouds. They drifted in front of the moon, creating shapes upon the dark ground, but also upon Shikamaru's outstretched palms. He loved cloud watching, but especially on nights of the full moon. Just as the moon disappeared behind the clouds, the apartment door opened.

Neji looked exhausted. His clothes were dirty and his face was covered in a thin layer of sweat, but he still managed to hold his composure together. If it weren't for the pinched brow and the light frown on his face, Neji might have passed inspection.

"You look terrible," Shikamaru greeted him.

"I was on a mission. What's your excuse?" In addition to looking horrid, the man was also in a bad mood. Instead of taking offense, Shikamaru leaned his head back and laughed, a laugh that came directly from his stomach. Neji really wanted to maintain his grumpy demeanor, but he couldn't help the small smile that appeared on his lips.

"I acted as a bodyguard for a merchant named Masayuki. I spent a week at sea. I smelled like fish for days after the mission ended," Shikamaru smirked, clearly challenging Neji. The challenge went unanswered though.

"I'm not in the mood," Neji replied.

Neji dropped his rucksack just inside the door to his room and went toward the bathroom. Shikamaru watched the man's movements, but he didn't comment on the slight limp. Not discussing a mission generally meant classified information, and Shikamaru had an idea on the type of mission requiring such secrecy. A number of Leaf shinobi defected during the war, and Kakashi had made it clear that he wouldn't stand for such ninja to go free while others had died for their homeland. Some of the missing nin had been jonin, though most of them were chunin rank. Shikamaru had been assigned to one such mission; he'd been sent along with Shino, Kiba, Naruto, and Sakura. The mission had devolved from being a hunt and capture into an all-out manhunt and suicide. Shikamaru had seen death before, but that mission had stayed with him.

When Neji emerged from the bathroom, he walked out with a towel secured around his waist. As he towel-dried his long locks, he moved down the short hall to his bedroom. Shikamaru would have denied watching the Hyuga, but he did watch. His eyes trailed down the man's spine, over the subtle curve of his lower back, and right to the line of the towel. Somehow, he had a feeling that Neji knew he was watching, but neither one of them commented.

"How troublesome," Shikamaru sighed, turning his attention back to the clouds. Much to his dismay, the moon remained covered, so the clouds faded into the dark sky. He could barely make out the outlines. His time cloud gazing had ended.

"Are you hungry?" Neji asked, but they had few ingredients for more than anything centered around sushi.

Shikamaru debated for a moment, then he made his way back inside and settled at their kitchen table. He leaned forward in his seat so he could rest his head on the table. Neji responded by snapping a checkered dish towel at Shikamaru's back. Shikamaru instantly jerked upright, the legs of his wooden chair scraping against the linoleum floor, and then slouched in his seat.

"Alright, alright," Shikamaru mumbled, "I'm hungry."

During their late-night meal, neither one of them chose to break the awkward silence that had fallen over the uneven table. Shikamaru watched as Neji shoveled the remainder of his rice into his mouth, while Shikamaru started down at his own empty plate. From outside, a burst of thunder sounded and shook the very foundation of the building. They both felt the heavy _boom_ in their bones. Following the thunder, a crack of lightning lit up the dim interior of the apartment.

"I killed children," Neji finally said, his words in between the cracks of lightning. The heavy expression on his face was illuminated by the outside light. "They were barely twelve or thirteen, no older than we were as genin, and I slaughtered them. I must have killed seven of them." He looked torn between maintaining a neutral expression and showing his true grief and disgust.

"There must have been a reason," Shikamaru stated, a hint of inflection near the end of his statement. He didn't know what else to say, having found himself at a dead end in terms of reasoning.

"They took a scroll from the village and attempted to sell it to undercover ANBU." Neji still looked unhappy, at best. He tapped his fingers against the table for an unsung melody, and then his music ceased. "Their hearts burst."

"Oh," Shikamaru eloquently replied.

"Oh," Neji agreed, nodding his head. "I'm thinking about requesting placement in ANBU."

"Why? It's a pain. You're on call for advanced missions. You'll have no outside life," Shikamaru frowned, lacing his fingers together atop the table. "It'll be more of the same. Killing children and espionage."

"The pay is better," Neji tried to reason.

"Troublesome," Shikamaru sighed, shaking his head from side to side. "You don't care about the increase in pay."

Neji remained silent, though the corners of his mouth twitched for an unseen smile. Shikamaru shifted in his chair and then slid his plate toward the center of the table. He looked ready to rest his head where his plate had been, but he reconsidered and settled for slouching in his chair once more.

"I was offered a position in ANBU and turned it down," Shikamaru confessed. "It's not what you're looking for."

"How would you know?" Neji still seemed amused, even though the question was a serious one.

Shikamaru lifted his forearms off the table, his elbows remaining in contact with the hard surface, and tented his fingers. Neji knew the thoughtful expression, so he ceased gathering the dishes and simply sat back in his chair, watching and waiting. Outside, a steady rain began to fall, drenching every exposed portion of their village. Minutes before, Shikamaru had considered stepping out onto the balcony for a cigarette, but that thought had been buried, buried underneath the rain and underneath stirring thoughts.

"I believe we're at the same point in our lives. It would make sense for us to jump into an organization with a rigid structure and constant motion. We're at a standstill," Shikamaru explained, carefully exploring psychology in the way he explored a game.

"Tell me more about myself," Neji snorted, moving his chair away from the table. Neji got to his feet and grabbed both of the plates on the table, then he moved over to the kitchen sink to wash them. His hands buried in hot, soapy water, he glanced over his shoulder to find that Shikamaru was staring holes into his back. "What are you looking for, if you don't want a position in ANBU?"

Caught staring, Shikamaru cleared his throat and looked at the refrigerator on the other side of their small kitchen. "Teaching seems like a drag," he immediately vetoed. "I will continue to take mid-rank missions until I settle down with a family. I will retire at a reasonable age and pass on my knowledge to my own children." He sounded unconvinced to his own ears, and he could tell by his roommate's expression that he hadn't convinced the other man.

"You sound unsure. That's unlike you," Neji frowned. "You've changed."

"I have not," Shikamaru scoffed, rolling his eyes. He finally looked over at Neji again. The other man had his lower back pressed against the kitchen counter, a dry towel in one hand and a damp plate in the other. As he dried the plate, he seemed to study Shikamaru's facial features. "You've changed," Shikamaru argued.

"That's expected. I didn't think you would let your environment alter your personality so much. You seemed like a constant," Neji argued back.

"It's impossible for a person to remain a constant when outside forces are capable of manipulating the person. I'm just arguing that, at this point, I haven't changed. I still enjoy cloud watching. I still enjoy smoking," Shikamaru continued, trying to convince the both of them.

"You smoke more. You have insomnia. You go out in the mornings to train. You picked up smoking almost a year ago. You developed insomnia after the war. You were a lazy bastard," Neji said. After drying the plate, Neji turned back around and placed it in one of the kitchen cabinets above the sink.

"You don't eat as much. You move your food around on your plate to make it seem like you do. You have insomnia. You take longer than you need to when coming back from missions," Shikamaru countered. He got up from his seat and went around the table to stand at the sink. He dipped his hands into the hot water, felt around for the cleaning sponge, and began washing the dishes. Neji remained next to him, waiting to rinse and dry.

"We've obviously noticed things. That's expected when we live together," Neji strategically replied.

The two finished the dishes rather quickly, having been too busy to wash them before, and both of them dried their hands on the used dish towel. Shikamaru took the towel and placed it in the hamper in the nearby closet, the closet which housed their washing machine. He thought about skipping his usual dose of television and going to sleep, but sleep also seemed futile. Both men went their separate ways, Neji to the sofa and Shikamaru to the bathroom.

The hot water felt good as it cascaded over Shikamaru's sore back. Showering always allowed him the time he needed whenever he wasn't able to cloud watch, whenever he wasn't able to get outdoors and away from people. As he stood there, staring at the soapy water circling around the drain, he came to the conclusion that he enjoyed having a roommate, even if it meant sleeping on a foldout couch, even if it meant some lack of privacy. He didn't want to be alone. He didn't want to go home to an empty apartment. He didn't want to spiral into a heavy depression spurred on by the absence of family and friends.

Shikamaru rotated his shoulders, working out the kinks, and then tilted his head back to have the water flow over his face. With his eyes shut, he tried to clear his mind of the imagine of Neji standing at the counter, a plate in hand. He had admit he'd fallen into a routine, one contingent upon the Hyuga's presence, and the routine seemed dangerous, at best. What happened when they parted ways? What happened when Neji found someone, a possible wife? What happened when he continued with his own plan to find a wife and settle down?

"Fuck," he cursed, noticing exactly when the water turned icy cold. He stepped back and quickly turned the knob on the shower, cutting off the water. He stood there for a moment or two, just shivering, and then he pushed back the shower curtain and stepped out onto the mat. After he toweled himself off, he dressed in some sweats and a t-shirt, and then he wandered out of the bathroom to claim his usual seat on the sofa.

"We've fallen into a routine," he immediately said, interrupting the late-night news.

From his side of the loveseat, Neji frowned and motioned with a hand for the Nara to continue. When Shikamaru couldn't, or wouldn't, Neji took it upon himself to continue the line of thought. "You're wondering when this will come to an end."

"I don't want it to come to an end," Shikamaru admitted, his voice low enough that Neji had to strain to hear him. "Not now. We're reliant upon one another. At least, I am reliant upon you."

"Stop thinking three steps ahead, Shikamaru," Neji said, his features clearly showing his displeasure. "I'm not going anywhere."

Shikamaru admired the way Neji looked in the light from the television. Neji looked different than he had in the light from the passing storm. He looked softer, more welcoming, and both of them seemed aware. Slowly, without him even noticing, Shikamaru began to lean closer. In response, Neji began to lean closer. They could feel their breath, having crossed into intimate space, but neither one of them seemed to have the nerve to cut the tension and close the last centimeters between their lips. When it looked like they were about to drift apart, Neji ghosted his lips over Shikamaru's, and Shikamaru instantly reacted, placing his lips over Neji's.

* * *

 _ **A/N** : So that happened. Oops?_


	5. Comfort

**5\. Comfort**

 _"Saying all that I need to do or should be doing is easy and it takes the spotlight away from what I am not doing right now, which is an uncomfortable and confrontational feeling. Hiding behind the 'I should' makes us feel like we are almost doing it, but it is not the same as actually completing the task." — Malti Bhojwani, The Mind Spa: Ignite Your Inner Life Coach_

* * *

The seconds and minutes following the kiss were some of the most uncomfortable ones Shikamaru had ever experienced, and he had to assume Neji felt the same way. Neither of them spoke. They retreated to their self-assigned side of the couch and immediately turned their eyes to the infomercial on the television. They didn't need to learn the health benefits of the diet pill on the screen, but they didn't want to talk about what just happened. The kiss. How could they have kissed? When did their dependency change and develop into some sort of attraction? Shikamaru tried to pinpoint the moment when he started liking the Hyuga, but he couldn't. And somehow, the feelings were reciprocated.

"Shikamaru," Neji began. He stopped after saying the man's name, as if whatever words meant to follow took too much energy. "I don't think we need to talk about what just happened."

"I think we do."

They glanced at one another, up until the point when Shikamaru sighed and angled his body to face Neji. One leg curled on the couch cushion and the other hanging over the edge of the cushion, Shikamaru waited for Neji to say something. He tried to decipher something from the man's facial features, but he couldn't-Neji had a poker face.

"This is such a drag," Shikamaru muttered. He knew exactly where to start, knew exactly what to say, but he couldn't force the words from his mouth. If things were easy, they would have both cooperated, but Neji didn't appear to want to discuss the matter; in fact, he refused. "Don't pretend it didn't happen." There was a sigh that followed.

"I'm not pretending it didn't happen. I don't want to talk about it," Neji frowned. He moved to the edge of the couch cushion and then got to his feet. Just as he turned to walk away, Shikamaru darted forward and grabbed the man's hand. They stood still, hands clasped, until Neji shook off Shikamaru's hold. "I don't have time for this."

"It's ten at night and it's still raining outside. What were you planning on doing? Sleeping?" Although Shikamaru used a joking tone, he meant his words. He meant to take the initiative, even if taking the initiative meant doing more work. He wasn't running away, because running away was absolutely exhausting.

"It was a mistake," Neji said, closing his eyes. By closing his eyes, he closed himself off. Shikamaru grunted in response and shifted on his feet.

"It was a mistake, huh?" Shikamaru chuckled, shaking his head. Afterwards, he tipped his head back and let out another laugh, a forced one.

"What about Temari?" Neji asks.

"I haven't seen her. What about Tenten?" Shikamaru returns.

"Don't ask."

Neji hesitated, but then he turned and went toward his bedroom. His bare feet made little noise on the carpeting, so the sound of his door closing echoed off the bare walls of their apartment. Shikamaru ran a hand over his hair and collapsed back onto the sofa. He sat there for another ten minutes, just listening to the infomercials, until he couldn't take the noise anymore. He grabbed the remote, turned off the television, and lay down on the sofa. He tried listening to the rain that picked up, the way it hit the outside patio and drummed against the windows, but he still heard the sound of Neji tossing and turning.

When the clock read midnight, Shikamaru finally got tired of listening to the rain, of hearing Neji tossing and turning. He sat up on the couch and then got to his feet. He walked toward Neji's bedroom and knocked on the door a couple of times, but Neji didn't answer. He grabbed the door handle, but the knob twisted from the other side and the door swung open.

"Can't sleep?" Neji didn't look like he wanted to see or speak to Shikamaru, but he still asked and he still stepped aside to allow Shikamaru entrance. In the darkness, neither one of them could make out their facial expressions. The only light, the light from the hallway light, filtered through the open door and dispersed, casting its light along the far wall. "I," he paused, "apologize for how I acted."

"There's nothing to apologize for," Shikamaru said, lips twisted for a deep frown. "You said what you felt. It was a mistake that you kissed me back."

"That's not what I-," Neji tried to explain himself.

"It's not what you meant? Then tell me what you meant, Neji. Did you want to kiss me? Did I _force_ you?"

Shikamaru took a seat in the center of the double bed, his legs crossed and his arms loosely crossed. He took up a defensive position, closing himself off and building up an invisible wall. He felt as if he had forced Neji. And all the while, he remembered how it felt to have Neji's life in the balance, to be unsure of whether the Hyuga would pull through and live through the night. Being rejected hurt, but being told that something didn't happen, that something was a _mistake_ , hurt worse. Shikamaru wanted to punch Neji, but that took far too much effort. He let his arms fall and moved to the right side of the bed, allowing Neji to take a seat on the left side.

"Why are you being so persistent?" Neji sat down and released a heavy sigh. He lay down on the bed and gathered some of the blankets around himself. For a second, he thought he might just ignore the questions and go to sleep, but avoiding the questions weren't what he wanted, and sleep rarely claimed him so easily. In the end, he didn't want to hurt Shikamaru. "You didn't force anything. I wanted the kiss."

"Then what the hell is the problem?" Shikamaru cursed, all of his frustrations layered into that one word.

"I'm engaged."

"W-what?"

Silence fell over the room, broken up by the sound of footsteps coming from the upstairs apartment. Shikamaru tried to process the words, the easiest of sentences, but he lost himself somewhere between the first word and the last word. Neji shifted around and freed his arms from under the blankets; Shikamaru remained perfectly still, his rigid posture like a tribute to his own inability to come to terms with Neji's admission. As if on cue, the air conditioner kicked on and a steady hum took over the entire room.

"Who is it?" Shikamaru swallowed, his mouth dry. He didn't know why the arranged marriage bothered him-no, he didn't know why he _allowed_ it to bother him. "Is it someone from your clan?" Neji didn't look ready to respond, so Shikamaru continued. "Is it Tenten? It's her. You told me not to ask. You're engaged to her."

"Fine," Neji relented, looking up toward the ceiling as if for strength. "It's her."

He said so little, but he managed to say so much more. Shikamaru let out a bitter laugh, one born from the very pit of his stomach, and then he got to his feet. Pacing along the side of the bed, he tried to contain his sharp remarks, his biting retorts. Of course it was Tenten. Of course the fact that it was Tenten bothered Shikamaru. Why?

"Don't marry her," Shikamaru finally spoke, his voice low. He really needed a cigarette, just something to take his mind off the current subject, to burn the back of his throat and coat his tongue with sharp flavor.

"This is out of my hands. Hiashi-sama," Neji began, being cut off by Shikamaru's snort. "My clan," he tried again.

"Do you want to marry her?"

"I don't know. Do you want to marry Temari?"

"I don't know."

The two lapsed into another round of heavy silence. The air conditioner kicked off and the steady hum faded away. For a few minutes, Shikamaru wondered if Neji had fallen asleep, so he sunk back onto the side of the bed and leaned forward, his head in his hands. Somehow, over time, something had developed, and he had no clue had to get rid of the ties that bound him; sadly, he was unsure of whether the same ties bound Neji. Shikamaru chewed on his lower lip, his teeth rolling over the sensitive skin.

"Lie down, idiot," Neji said. His voice was just as low, just as tired, but he reached out to tug at Shikamaru's shirt. He fought the urge to drag the man down, to force the man to lie down and attempt to sleep.

Shikamaru turned to look over his shoulder, but he still couldn't make out facial features. He saw Neji tucked in, heard the man's tired voice, and Shikamaru couldn't help but comply. He turned down the blankets and slipped underneath. He had to bite his tongue to keep away from the subject, the one they'd only just put to rest, but he remained silent. Neji had broken free from his chains, but had he really? Shikamaru felt some obligation to settle down and start a family, to make his late parents proud, but what was it that he wanted?

"I think I'm falling in love with you," Shikamaru admitted, sighing.

Neji's soft snores were the only response.

* * *

 **A/N:** Sorry it's so much shorter than the other chapters. This one was harder to write. Eventually, the rating on this story will change. Just a warning!


	6. Chains

**6\. Chains**

 _"I've been fighting to be who I am all my life. What's the point of being who I am, if I can't have the person who was worth all the fighting for?" — Stephanie Lennox, I Don't Remember You_

* * *

Shikamaru stood in front of the bathroom sink and looked at the small scars adorning his chest and his abdomen. Some of the scars had stories, while others remained pure decoration. He wasn't an ugly man - the scars neither added nor detracted from his looks. Sighing, he ran his hand over the moisture slowly spreading out across the glass and cleared a small portion to see himself clearly. Everything looked the same. If he looked closely, he saw his younger self hidden beneath the bags under his eyes, disguised in his posture. When the mirror fogged up once more, he let his reflection fade into the background.

Tying the towel around his waist, he opened the bathroom door and went out to look through his dresser for some clothes. He had forty minutes left before he had to report to Kakashi, giving him plenty of time to grab something to eat and report to the partially reconstructed building serving as the Hokage Tower. He pulled out black pants, a black t-shirt, and his familiar flak jacket. Neji had already reported hours earlier, wearing something similar. Though he hated to admit it, he wanted more activity in his life, especially since his personal life was in shreds. He hadn't seen Temari since the week following the war, where she'd punched him in the chest and called him a moron.

Neji became the focal point, so Shikamaru had trouble imagining something beyond Neji. Before the war, if he'd been asked about his personal life, he would have shrugged and pointed to Temari. He would have been unconcerned and yet so wholly enveloped in the woman. She was smart, fiery, and every bit as driven as her Kazekage brother, Gaara. She fit in perfectly. His mother would have adored her, and his father would have clapped him on the back and told him how well he picked a woman. Instead, Shikamaru was left feeling desolate, his whole world in tatters. He had Neji. Was it really a choice or just something of convenience? He worried.

"Are you trying to be late?" Shikamaru muttered to himself, noticing the time on the television. He tossed his towel aside and dressed in the room. Neji had been gone for hours, assigned to yet another mission, so Shikamaru had a bit of privacy. He grabbed his towel and put it back into the bathroom, then he grabbed some cereal, but the milk had expired, so he ended up eating dry cereal and drinking juice. It was an unpleasant combination, but he had something on his stomach.

By the time he made it to the tower, he was twenty minutes late. He forced himself into a jog just to make it to the tower before everyone broke for lunch. Kakashi sat behind the desk, smiling, as he welcomed Shikamaru into the room acting as a temporary office. Shikamaru shoved his hands into the pockets of his pants and slouched, happy to have made it and even happier to relax.

"I see you're twenty minutes late," Kakashi smiled, seemingly amused.

"I crossed paths with a black cat," Shikamaru lied, trying to humor the man.

"So did I," Kakashi agreed and nodded his head. "You have a pick of missions today. We have D-rank missions assigned to every genin in the village, but we always have more to spare," Kakashi offered.

"No thanks," Shikamaru quickly replied.

"We have three C-rank escort missions," Kakashi tried once more.

"After the last one left me smelling like fish, I'd rather not," Shikamaru immediately declined, his tone not disguising his own boredom.

"A-rank it is," Kakashi announced, sliding a scroll across the desk toward Shikamaru. "Normally, I'd have you select a team for a mission of this caliber, but the request was for one shinobi." There was a heaviness to his voice then, trying to match the seriousness of the situation. "Read over the mission details. If you have any questions, now is your chance."

Shikamaru opened the scroll and read over the general information. He needed to escort someone from Konoha to Suna, and then back again. The more he read, the more details he absorbed. Before he even made it to the specifics, he knew. He had to escort Temari home and then back again. The total trip would last two weeks, and he'd have to spend every waking moment with the woman. Groaning, he closed the scroll and handed it back to Kakashi. He opened his mouth to ask if he had to accept the mission, but Kakashi only smiled. Even with the mask in place, Kakashi's smile was unmistakable.

" _This_ is my escort?" Temari snorted.

"I'm _always_ your escort," Shikamaru snapped. "It's like I can't escape you," he continued, already turning around to walk to her side. When he looked over his shoulder, he noticed that Kakashi had gone, most likely to avoid the impending conversation.

"I'm glad you're okay," Temari said, her voice low. "I tried looking for you, but with all of the patients," she trailed off, a deep frown marring her features, "and then Gaara needed me in Suna."

"I wasn't doing a great job finding you either," Shikamaru admitted, after a long pause.

Temari tucked a stray lock of hair behind her right ear and then shifted on her feet. For some reason, she refused to look him in the eyes, and he found himself feeling just as unsure. He didn't know how to approach the topic of where they'd left their relationship. They'd spent so much time together, and then they fell apart, as if nothing had happened. Shikamaru let out a lengthy sigh and slowly made his way over to her side. He placed a hand on her elbow and guided her out of the room.

She smelled like flowers, her scent overwhelming his senses. He couldn't pinpoint the exact flower, couldn't identify the fragrance, but he enjoyed the smell. The two of them walked side-by-side along the streets, her always maintaining her position at his side. When he stopped at his apartment building, he led the way up to his floor and opened the door to his apartment. She entered first, as he gestured for her to go inside, but she froze. Neji had Tenten straddling him on the sofa, her chest bare and her hair undone.

"Shit, I'm sorry!" Temari hurried through her words and immediately turned around, hiding her face in Shikamaru's shirt; meanwhile, Shikamaru openly stared at the scene. "Don't look! She's half-naked!" Temari tugged on his right arm, trying to force him to turn around, but he yanked his arm away.

"I guess the mission ended early," Shikamaru forced, a crooked smile plastered onto his face. He reached into his pocket and pulled out his pack of cigarettes, intent on remaining exactly where he stood. With no other option, Tenten fled into the bathroom to make herself decent.

"It did," Neji responded. "I'm sorry you had to walk in on this."

"You sound apologetic," Shikamaru snorted. He placed an unlit cigarette between his chapped lips and then tucked the rest of the pack into his pocket. He pulled out his lighter next, and touched the flickering flame to the end of his cigarette. He needed the inhale and the exhale, the taste and the feel of the cigarette. He felt himself withdrawing from the situation, distancing himself from what he'd just witnessed. "You could at least do it in your room. I have to sleep on that couch." He grunted then and went over to his dresser to collect his bag.

"My mistake." Neji narrowed his eyes at Shikamaru, but he didn't say anything else. He didn't want to get into an argument; he didn't want to give Temari the wrong impression. Smoking in the apartment wasn't really allowed, despite the fact that he'd caught Shikamaru smoking in the bathroom before.

"Come on," Shikamaru said, motioning for Temari to follow him into the apartment.

"I'll stay right here," she declined, slowly turning around to look at Neji. "I didn't know you two lived together. I stayed with Kankuro for a while before he started bringing women home at two in the morning," Temari scoffed.

"Troublesome," Shikamaru mumbled in agreement. He walked over to his things and began packing for the trip. He packed a change of clothes, ration bars, three soldier pills, and weapons. The black pack was small, compact for easier travel.

"You're going on a mission?" Neji sounded slightly offended, as if he'd expected to be the first to know, and he had expected such a thing. He couldn't pinpoint the reason why, so his question was a quieter one.

"I'll be escorting Temari to Suna and back. I should be gone no longer than two weeks," Shikamaru said. He put his pack on and it fit tightly to his back. "I'm sure you'll manage without me." Unsurprisingly, his cigarette had turned to ash, the flame having died out sometime during his packing. Shikamaru had to wonder if the tides had turned against him in such as fashion as to damn him three times within an hour span.

"That wasn't why I asked, but yes, I will manage," Neji scowled.

Temari seemed to sense the change in the atmosphere, so she reached out to grab the door handle and shut herself out in the hallway, allowing both of them a moment to share a private argument. At first, neither man said a word. They stared at one another, silently weighing the competition, as if they were back in their chunin exams all over again. The first one to react was Shikamaru. He grabbed one of the discarded couch pillows and tossed it back onto the couch, going as far as to fluff the pillow.

"Don't make this all about me," Neji started.

"I'm not in the mood to argue with you," Shikamaru sighed. "Just go back to what you were doing and leave me the hell out of it."

"It was just a kiss," Neji hissed, his voice low enough that the words remained between the two of them. After he spoke, Neji knew he'd made a mistake. Shikamaru straightened up and turned to leave, but then he turned back around. "What?"

"If you were half the genius you think you are, you wouldn't hide behind such a flimsy excuse and admit you're afraid that it was something more."

The truth laced between each and every word slapped Neji across the face, and he had no chance for a rebuttal. When Shikamaru finished speaking, he turned and left, slamming the door behind him. Shikamaru didn't need to collect Temari, as the woman was leaning against the opposite wall of the hallway, so he continued on and stomped his way down the stairs. It felt as if he'd lost something, but he was unable to put the feeling into words. When the blonde looked at him, he felt even more upset about the predicament he found himself in, so he remained silent.

It took the two leaving Konoha to loosen his tongue. He conversed with Temari about everyday things, such as past missions and the rebuilding process. He brought up Kakashi as the next Hokage. She mentioned that her brother was swamped with paperwork and that it was her responsibility to carry important paperwork between the two villages, mainly about their travel and trade agreements. Five hours later, after moving at a civilian's pace, they set up camp, and that's when Temari decided to open up about the things on her mind.

"I'm sorry that I wasn't there for you. You lost everything and I," she stopped, her eyes downcast. Between them, the fire cast shadows along one side of her face. "I wasn't there," she concluded.

Shikamaru could have gone forever without broaching the subject of his parents, his clan members, and his friends. He didn't want to think about the war. He didn't want the images surfacing all over again. And yet he thought about the war, and those images surfaced again. He wanted to blame Temari, to ignore her and crawl into his sleeping bag, but he knew that she was a stubborn woman, and they needed the conversation to occur before either one of them truly moved on.

Pursing his lips, he tipped his head back and looked up at the night sky. Cloudless and lacking of stars, the sky looked like a barren wasteland, a dark space with nothing but a sliver of moon to guide the way. He didn't know what to say to make both of them feel better about the past, but he had to say something. He had to diffuse the situation.

"I don't think I would have handled it too well," he said, slowly nodding at his own statement. "I was at a point where nothing mattered more than saving one person's life. I developed tunnel vision. I threw myself into work." He didn't know what else to add to the statement, because words weren't conveying the level of humanity he lacked during those times. "I wasn't in a good place."

"That's when I should have been there," Temari argued.

"I didn't want you there. I didn't look for you for a reason," Shikamaru interrupted her, not giving her the opportunity to continue with her words. "I had my life planned out and nothing has gone according to plan. I never thought about the possibility of another war. I never took into account that I would lose so many family members. I thought I'd be married young. I'd have children. I'd retire. If I didn't get the chance to retire, I'd die at a reasonable age. I didn't want any of this."

"None of us did," Temari said, finding something so very interesting in the fire. "I thought you would have proposed, at least, but then I considered you were lazy, so it'd take you a few more years." She smiled, a content expression on her face. She looked surprisingly soft, her normal expression retreating for something else to take over. Shikamaru had never noticed anything so feminine about the woman, so he openly stared at her, taken aback. "Stupid as hell, right?" She laughed then, and he swallowed hard.

Shikamaru wanted to grunt in reply, to mutter something unintelligible just to get through the moment; instead, he remained silent. His eyes roamed over her face, taking in the bright color of her eyes and the curve of her lips. She wasn't an ugly woman, not in any sense of the word, and she'd matured since the first time they met. Both of them had changed. They were both seventeen, both of them old enough to make their own decisions, and yet he didn't know why he moved over to her side of the fire. He didn't know why he placed his hands on her cheeks, his thumbs caressing her skin. He didn't know why he pressed his lips to hers.

* * *

 **A/N:** This one was a little longer! Why do you think Shikamaru kissed Temari when he just admitted he thought he was falling in love with Neji?


	7. Reflection

**7\. Reflection**

 _"Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not become a monster. And if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you." — Friedrich Nietzsche_

* * *

The first shinobi they encountered slowly rose from the sand. They entered into the world as if they were blossoming flowers, and then they rained kunai down upon Temari and Shikamaru. It was midday, so the shadows weren't quite long enough for Shikamaru to do much more than counterattack with kunai and shuriken. When he motioned for Temari to swing her fan, he took advantage of the elongated shadow created by the weapon, and he immediately captured his opponents, all three of them. Temari eliminated them. The blood soaked into the sand, but left behind splotches of deep red. They had to bury the bodies a few feet down, just to keep the violent, shifting winds from uncovering the corpses. In the end, Shikamaru was covered in sweat, blood, and sand. He looked as awful as he felt.

The image from his apartment still haunted him. When they set up camp for a second night, he lay awake and stared up at the cloudless sky as if he were looking into the depths of a deep lake. A cigarette hanging from the corner of his lips, he watched the smoke blend into the night, turning from a grey, shifting line of smoke into absolutely nothing. On the other side of the fire, Temari watched him. She didn't comment on his unusual behavior, on the way he'd seemed more bloodthirsty or the way he hacked the bodies into smaller pieces. She knew he was going through something, something deeper than what she saw on the surface. Underneath the underneath, he'd fallen back onto more animalistic survival instincts, or perhaps he'd merely surrendered to new depths.

"What are you looking at?" Shikamaru finally tired of her staring and rose to the occasion. Moving his eyes from the sky to look in her direction, his dark eyes met her light ones, and she flushed an embarrassing shade of scarlet. "It shouldn't be much longer," he continued, thinking her stare had something to do with their camping. "I'm taking first watch."

"It's not about camping or about the watch," Temari frowned. "It's like I don't know you anymore." She took another moment to consider the weight of her words, but she didn't amend them.

"You're exaggerating," he said, waving a dismissive hand at her.

"You just dismembered three people." Temari held her own, quite used to the blood and gore associated with such acts. After all, she'd been through the war; she had Gaara for a sibling.

"We needed to bury them." Shikamaru ran his hands over his face and leaned forward, his posture horrendous. "This is because of what happened at the apartment. You're not sure how to decipher what happened, and now you're trying to factor in the kiss. They're unrelated. I kissed you because I wanted to kiss you."

"I hate that you know exactly what I'm thinking." Temari scowled, but she didn't continue with her harsh words, uninterested in starting an actual argument with the man. " _If_ it's unrelated, then consider this curiosity. Why did you react so harshly at your apartment? I've walked in on Kankuro plenty of times, because he doesn't know to take it to his bedroom."

Shikamaru wanted to give an immediate answer, but he didn't have the answer—no, he didn't want to share the answer. Envy was unbecoming. Tenten had something—someone—he desired, and he reacted with sarcasm and outright anger. He shouldn't have reacted that way, not in front of Temari, not with Tenten nearby. The argument, the exchange, really, should have taken place in the privacy of their apartment, yes, but without other listeners. Shikamaru should have calmed down. And yet, what would that have accomplished? Both he and Neji had other goals in mind, ones dependent on a male-female relationship. Besides, Shikamaru thought too many steps ahead. He'd already reached the end of the game, captured all of the pieces, ran through all of the moves, and Neji remained at the beginning phase, just waiting for his turn. For a genius, Neji was a moron.

"I saved his life," Shikamaru sighed, his exhaustion blending into the short sentence. "I waited by his bedside while he recovered. We developed insomnia, so we spent our nights suffering through it together. He's the closest thing I have to a family, and even though my best friend is Chouji, I feel like Neji is the closest thing to that too."

"He deserves to be happy. His interest in Tenten doesn't mean your relationship with him matters any less. It's just different. You're his friend, his _family_ ," she corrected herself, "and she's his lover."

"Fiancée," Shikamaru quietly added in.

"Wow, already, huh?" Temari whistled.

"That was close to my reaction." Of course, Shikamaru lied, but he didn't think he needed to feed into Temari's thinking processes. He didn't want to lead her down the correct path, the one where she discovered Shikamaru had romantic feelings for Neji.

"I was angry when Kankuro introduced me to his fiancée. I didn't really know her, and I didn't want her involved with my younger brother. Our family is very important in Sunagakure, and the girl was a waitress at a nearby restaurant." Temari picked up a piece of wood, one from the nearby skeleton of a tree, and prodded the dying fire. Really, they'd been lucky to come upon the tiny piece of greenery located in the desert.

"I don't see how this compares to my story, but humor me. What happened?" Shikamaru finally moved to lie down on his sleeping bag and folded his arms behind his head. Across from him, Temari also lay down, but she lay down on her side, her cheek resting against her palm. "Did you beat her up?"

"I'm not always violent!" Her outburst seemed to echo across the vast expanse, but she lowered her voice to continue talking. "She turned out to be an assassin. She tried to kill Gaara. Kankuro was crushed. Even though I wanted to call him out for being an idiot, I didn't. He really loved the girl."

"You should have intervened sooner." Shikamaru shrugged his shoulders.

"The point is that it had to play out, Shikamaru." Temari gritted her teeth to keep from shouting at him.

"You knew it was a bad idea and you let it continue. You should have intervened and saved him from himself." Shikamaru didn't see any other point to the story, and he had no reason to say anymore.

"You're not listening." Temari grumbled, picking up a handful of sand and tossing it onto the fire. Immediately, the fire went out, leaving both of them in darkness.

"I'm right." He just had to add the words.

"Let Neji live his own life," Temari finally said, her voice coming through the darkness. He didn't try to turn and look at her. He knew what it meant to communicate in the darkness. "He has to learn, and if that means making mistakes, he has to make those mistakes."

Halfway through his watch, a sandstorm picked up in the distance. They had about twenty minutes to gather their things, hide the remains of the fire, and seek shelter. Temari led him to a cavern about two days outside of Sunagakure, and the two of them made another camp further into the recess. They set up their sleeping bags, but the howling winds and the whipping of sand against the exterior of the cavern made it impossible to sleep. The few hours of sleep that Temari picked up were the only hours of sleep.

"We try not to travel in the storms, but sometimes it's impossible." Temari's voice came from the other side of the cave. She had to speak up to be heard over the storm.

"What if I asked you?" Shikamaru couldn't help himself; the words just tumbled right out of his mouth. Temari gave him a confused expression, one he wasn't able to see, but he didn't elaborate. He didn't think he needed to dive into specifics. But he did need to add more to his question, to give some sort of context clue. When she failed to respond, he let out an exasperated sigh. "What if I asked you to marry me?"

"If this is your idea of a proposal, I'm not interested," Temari scoffed. He didn't say anything in response, so she released a heavy sigh of her own. "You're serious," she murmured. "I would say yes."

"Will you marry me?" The question came after a pause, as if he needed a quick moment to reorganize his thoughts.

"No." Temari narrowed her eyes at him.

"You just said you'd say yes," he deadpanned.

"I want a better proposal than that!" She shouted at him then, her voice echoing off the walls of the cavern. Shikamaru covered his ears and glowered at her, while she had her hands on her hips, her glare penetrating right through the dark to focus on his face.

"We're in the middle of a sandstorm, troublesome woman." He motioned toward the entrance to the cavern, where the sand had begun to pile up near the bottom corners of the opening.

"What did you call me?" Her voice was low and threatening, and he quickly took the words back.

"Nothing," he muttered.

The storm took hours to wind down and even longer to finally end. The two had to dig their way out of the cavern until Temari could blow the rest of the sand out of the entrance. Overhead, the sun shone high in the cloudless sky, nearly at its noon position. With two days to Suna and the heat rising, they started off at a steady pace. Shikamaru had never really enjoyed Suna, which was why his meetings with Temari generally took place in Konoha. Suna wasn't a bad place, but Shikamaru had grown accustomed to the greenery of Konoha. He didn't know any specifics about the mission, since they weren't included, but he figured he could just ask. It was Temari, after all.

"What is all of this for anyway?" His hands folded behind his head, he unknowingly slowed his pace, allowing the distance between the both of them to grow. When she glanced back and noticed his change in pace, she slowed.

"Paperwork," she answered. He gave her a bored expression and she sighed. "A treaty, trade agreements, chunin examination agreements," Temari listed off.

"Important paperwork," Shikamaru elaborated.

The rest of the day went on without issue. By nightfall, both of them were ready for bed, but they picked up four chakra signatures from within the dark landscape. Shikamaru took the front position, with Temari on his left. Neither of them had the opportunity to properly prepare. Shikamaru had kunai ready, while Temari had her fan prepared, and yet they were still ambushed.

"Follow my lead," Shikamaru managed to say, directly before the foreign shinobi emerged from the ground. Suna missing nin. Shikamaru eyed them wearily, his expression grim.

"Give us the scrolls," one shinobi demanded, the lower half of his face hidden by a cream-colored mask.

"Hm, it's of no use to you, so why are you so interested?" Shikamaru shifted his weight on his feet and let his gaze flicker to Temari. "Isn't that right?"

"Right." But there was a hesitation, just a few seconds too long that passed between his question and her ultimate response. "Don't look at me like that."

"You lied to me."

A series of wires burst forth from the sand and both Shikamaru and Temari were forced to jump into the air. If they'd moved just a moment later, they might have been cut into pieces.

* * *

 **A/N:** For the next chapter, I'm upping the rating. This is a warning AND a reminder that this will be a slow burn.


	8. Beauty

**8\. Beauty**

 _"Clouds come floating into my life, no longer to carry rain or usher storm, but to add color to my sunset sky." — Rabindranath Tagor, Stray Birds_

* * *

Shikamaru hated taijutsu with a burning passion, since it was a major weakness, something anyone could exploit. Of course, it just so happened that his two opponents approached him for hand-to-hand combat. He was left ducking and dodging more than striking out. When he moved, they moved. When he lashed out, they easily blocked. Knowing he was at a disadvantage, he tried to earn himself time to plot, just to plan his next motions, but the missing nin were set on killing him rather than allowing him a moment's break. He slashed one man across the throat, a quick maneuver that cost himself a deep cut across his own chest, but he had to sacrifice in order to win. He sacrificed a part of himself to kill one of the two men.

A little further away, Temari had eliminated one of her enemies, severing the man's legs. With a show of mercy, she followed by severing his head. Shikamaru, even with a glimpse, noticed a brief change in her facial expression. She hadn't wanted to slaughter the man, but times were desperate and the number of missing shinobi was at an all-time high. Shikamaru's lack of attention cost him more blood. His remaining opponent tried to hit him in the femoral artery, but missed, simply swiping a kunai across Shikamaru's forearm. With the light of the moon peaking through the clouds, Shikamaru sent his shadows out to capture both opponents, but his opponent jumped back and avoided. Knowing he was vulnerable, Shikamaru had to release the jutsu and try once more.

"Now!" He quickly shouted to Temari and she sent deadly blasts of air at her opponents, sending the bodies tumbling across the sand, where they crashed into one another. When he released the jutsu, Shikamaru doubled over and nearly collapsed. "Fucking taijutsu," he swore, his heavy breathing the only sound in the night. It took him five minutes to fully recover, mostly because he jogged over to the bodies and collected their forehead protectors, leaving the sand to finally cover the bodies.

"I thought you'd want to dismember these guys too," Temari frowned.

"Troublesome," he complained, turning back to properly dispose of the remains. "There," he said, after some time. When he rejoined her, he'd finished dismembering and burying the remains. He wiped his bloody hands clean on the sand and on his pants, but the stains remained. He looked exhausted. He felt exhausted.

By the time they reached Suna, both of them were covered in sand, sweat, and blood. Shikamaru never did ask about the contents of the scrolls Temari carried, finding it more pertinent to get to Suna rather than wasting time asking questions that she would inevitably dodge. Temari took off toward the Kazekage tower, and Shikamaru trailed behind, his hands shoved into his pockets. Two shinobi stopped him at the entrance, but Temari motioned him forward, her scowl more than enough to allow him entrance into the secure area. Not knowing the contents of the scrolls, he felt as if he were an intruder on something far above his own security clearance.

"I brought the scrolls," Temari announced, her voice interrupting any and all conversation taking place within the central room of the tower.

Gaara rose and everyone immediately left the room, allowing the three inhabitants to meet by the desk at the far side of the room. Temari claimed one chair, while Shikamaru slouched in the other. The Kazekage spent a few moments assessing Shikamaru, and then he cracked open each of the scrolls, one right after another. Some of them were on mundane things, such as the future of the chunin exams, but two were on completely different topics.

"In the event of an upcoming war, we're bound by this scroll to stand with Konoha. This goes over possible war strategies and shares information on kekkei genkai. If this falls into the wrong hands, we'll distribute ANBU with kill orders." Gaara didn't hesitate to share some of the information, though the specifics were omitted.

"Why didn't I have a team of shinobi?" Shikamaru seemed upset, even irate. He looked between the two present, and Gaara seemed like the only one interested in replying, even if the response should have come from the Hokage.

"It would have attracted more attention, unwanted attention. You're more than capable, as a jonin, aren't you?" He said it in a way that both complimented and offended Shikamaru.

Shikamaru waited until the two siblings finished their conversation, and then he followed Temari out of the Kazekage's office. The two of them walked down the hallway and down the staircases, neither one of them initiating an exchange. When they stood outside of the tower, they both opened their mouths to talk. Shikamaru motioned for Temari to go first.

"You can stay at my apartment, or I can set you up in one of our inns. I thought you'd prefer my apartment, since you're paranoid," she joked.

"Hn, not paranoid, just cautious." He removed his hands from his pockets and gave her shoulder a nudge, just enough to throw her off balance. She returned the favor, and he had to take two steps back to regain his balance.

"Some shinobi," she laughed.

Before Shikamaru had the opportunity to reply, Kankuro exited the building and walked over to the two. He looked at Temari first, then he smirked at Shikamaru. "I see you two lovebirds are here already." Temari looked ready to deck him, to drive her fist right into his face, while Shikamaru sighed and rolled his eyes. "I'm just kidding, geez," Kankuro explained, his hands up in defense.

Shikamaru put a hand on Temari's shoulder and the woman looked at him in question. Reluctantly, she lowered her fist. Kankuro stood up straighter and grinned at the both of them. Looking between the two siblings, Shikamaru had to wonder what it was like to have siblings. His close friend, Chouji, was like a sibling, but it wasn't the same. Some part of his mind brought up Neji, but he squashed those thoughts before they had a chance to bloom. Neji was something different, something more.

"Are you coming?" Temari had leaned closer to try and get Shikamaru's attention, and his cheeks felt as if they were on fire. At the angle where he stood, he could see right down her top. He tried averting his eyes, but she'd already seen through his attempt. Jerking away, she narrowed her eyes at him and crossed her arms over her chest. "Pervert."

"Ugh," he groaned. "Just lead the way."

In Suna, Shikamaru found it easy to forget about the mess awaiting him at home. He felt as if he'd dumped his problems somewhere in desert. And yet his mind still went back to the image of Tenten, to the verbal exchange he had with Neji. Shikamaru had been stupid to propose to Temari, but he considered his own happiness and his future. He considered what he felt like when with Temari, how easy the conversation flowed. And yet, even if everything went according to plan, he had no guarantees. What if something changed? What if his feelings for Temari never fully developed? What about the future of his clan?

So lost in his thoughts, Shikamaru hardly noticed when they'd reached the apartment building, or when he ultimately entered Temari's apartment. He stood near the door while she hurried around trying to rearrange the couch pillows, the mail on her kitchen island, and the clothes haphazardly thrown about. He couldn't help but smile. She wasn't a stereotypical woman, not in the sense of tidiness and certainly not in temperament, and he liked that about her.

"What the hell are you smiling about?" She grinned at him even as she asked the question. "Make yourself at home. I have a guest room. It's not as tiny as your apartment," she teased.

"That's good," he quickly responded. He didn't mind his tiny apartment. He didn't mind sharing space with Neji. He didn't want to share the tiny apartment with anyone else. He didn't want to share his thoughts with Temari, but he had a feeling she knew. She probably read him like an open book. He removed his hands from his pockets and walked through the doorway into the kitchen. There was a tiny island in the center and a bar separating the kitchen from the living room. "You need to go shopping." He'd opened the fridge and peered in at the white interior. A frown on his face, he stood back up and began opening kitchen cabinets. There were a few cans, but most of the cabinets were empty.

"I don't stay here much," she finally admitted. She stood in the doorway, leaning against the right side, and watched him move about the kitchen. She wanted to make up excuses, but she didn't want to beat around the bush. "I usually stay at the tower or at Gaara's."

"What's the point of having your own apartment?" He closed the last cabinet and walked around to stand before her in the doorway. There were a few inches between them, but not much. The lack of space didn't really bother him, but the distance seemed to bother Temari. Her cheeks turned red.

"I have somewhere to call my own. When I need alone time, I have somewhere to go."

Shikamaru didn't have somewhere to call his own, nor did he have somewhere to go when he wanted alone time, but he didn't necessarily look for that, not in an apartment. If he wanted somewhere to call his own, then he found a spot outside. If he wanted alone time, then he found a spot for quality cloud watching. He and Temari had different ways of satisfying their needs. She looked for a place indoors; he looked for a place outdoors. While he was in the midst of mulling over those thoughts, Temari leaned up and placed her lips over his own. Startled, he pulled away, but she grabbed him by his vest and kissed him again. The second time, he kissed her back.

He ran his tongue along her lower lip until she parted her lips, and then their tongues danced for dominance. She was a fiery woman, something he admired, something he needed in a woman, and the kiss communicated every part of her personality. His hands dipped down to settle on her waist, and her hands fanned out to rest just across his chest. They kissed until they had to part to breathe, and with her eyes half-lidded, she smiled at him. It would have been easy to stay with her, to remain in Suna. He looked at her and saw a reason for the appeal of a desert environment. He saw a reason to leave Neji. But one reason wasn't enough to change how he felt. Deep down, he knew that. He brushed a few locks of blonde hair from her face, tucking them neatly behind one ear, and then leaned in to capture her lips for another kiss.

The kiss was heated, more than the last kiss, and Temari made quick work of removing his vest. They had to remove their weapons. They had to remove the layers of clothing. But the moment they met smooth skin, they began the interesting journey to Temari's bedroom, their lips never separating. Temari pushed Shikamaru backwards and his legs bumped against the side of the bed. He fell back and landed in the center of the bed, and Temari wasted no time climbing onto the bed with him.

"Now wouldn't be a good time to propose," he had to joke, his own discomfort painfully obvious. He'd been with women before, but never beyond a certain point. He'd never slept with a woman. He'd never tried. There had been a clear line and he hadn't crossed that line, hadn't been teased with the line.

"Oh it's perfect," she replied, her voice heavy with sarcasm. She smiled at him though, a lopsided grin that set his heart aflame.

She straddled him and leaned down to reconnect their lips, and he ran his palms down her back, marveling at the feel of her smooth skin. She moaned into the kiss and he instantly noticed his own erection, the one pressed against her thigh. When she pulled back, she leaned back to dig through her side-table drawer, where she produced a single condom. Breathing heavily, she looked down at Shikamaru in question. He didn't know what to say, so he didn't bother. She moved back to slid the condom over his cock, and he groaned at the contact.

"Have you done this before?" He didn't know why he asked the question, because he didn't want the answer. He was afraid she'd say _yes_ , afraid she'd somehow make what meant a great deal mean less. Unsurprisingly, she did nod, but she hesitated. That was enough for him.

She lowered herself onto his cock and her answer meant absolutely nothing. Her eyes closed, but his eyes remained open. She made such beautiful noises that he couldn't help himself. He reached up to cup her breasts, to tug and pinch at her sensitive nipples. When she seemed close, he flipped her over and pulled her toward the edge of the bed. He had her on all fours, and he had her begging him to go deeper and faster. He never thought he'd hear such filthy things fall from her mouth, but he liked every second. She came, her walls tightening around his cock, and he came a few moments later, filling the condom.

Her skin was flushed, her face slightly sweaty, and he still pressed a kiss to her brow. She looked amazing, and she'd shared a part of herself with him that she hadn't shared with very many. He peeled the condom off and tossed it in the wastebasket, then he pulled her into his arms.

"Hey," he murmured, kissing the outer shell of her ear.

"Hey back," she smiled.

Some part of him was relieved that he could get an erection, that he was still very much attracted to females. He'd doubted. He'd worried. A series of frantic knocks interrupted his thoughts and ruined the moment. Temari rolled off the side of the bed, grabbed his t-shirt, and slipped it on. The shirt hit her mid-thigh, and she went to answer the door that way. From the bedroom, Shikamaru tried to eavesdrop on the conversation, but he heard very little. She came back into the room and took off his t-shirt, revealing her body to him a second time, then she grabbed his hands and tugged.

"Troublesome," he groaned, getting up and following her to the bathroom. "What was that about?" She turned on the shower and wasted no time guiding him into the stream of warm water. There was a moment when she could have answered, but she answered by kissing him.

* * *

 _ **A/N:** I usually hate writing love scenes (I avoid them like the plague), but this story has to have them. This is Shika's answer to Neji and Tenten._


	9. Tarnishing

**9\. Tarnishing**

 _"Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings." — Anaïs Nin_

* * *

On the journey back to Konoha, Shikamaru and Temari were accompanied by Kankuro, three ANBU, and the Kazekage himself. Gaara hadn't planned on visiting the other village, but he decided seeing the damage and the rebuilding process for himself would help with their future as allies. Shikamaru believed Gaara's change of heart had something to do with Naruto, but he wasn't brave enough to share his thoughts aloud. Needless to say, the journey from Sunagakure was a lot easier than the journey to Sunagakure. Their group encountered no enemy shinobi, though they passed by a large caravan heading in the opposite direction. They were most likely refugees, ordinary citizens looking for a better place to call home. Konoha's rebuilding schedule stretched across years, and the housing projects that had been erected were aimed at shinobi and the most important of citizens, the ones with the most to offer the village. Shikamaru found the whole process tedious and preferred to lose himself in hard labor rather than try to get down to the politics; in other words, he just wasn't interested.

When their mismatched group entered the gates of Konoha, Shikamaru went ahead to announce their arrival, while Temari acted as a guide to show them to temporary housing, most likely an apartment that had been dedicated to visiting officials. When Shikamaru reached the Hokage tower, he noticed the construction that had taken place over his absence. The whole building hadn't been rebuilt, but the first few floors were complete enough for Kakashi to lounge about, reading his Icha Icha.

"Should you really be reading that in public?" After entering the room unannounced, Shikamaru wasted no time poking at the new Hokage. Kakashi peered over the top of his book and then went back to reading.

"Maa," Kakashi dismissed. "It's more for show now," he grinned, his eyes holding all of the mirth his hidden smile must have conveyed. Closing his book, he sat it down on the desk and tried to arrange the growing piles of paper on his desk. "Are you here for another mission?"

Shikamaru sighed, "I came to let you know the Kazekage has come. I had Temari show him to the official housing. I'm assuming it's completed and in order?" He hated to ask, but he felt the need. Without much persuasion, Kakashi nodded. "In that case, all that's left is to deliver the paperwork." He tucked his hands into the pockets of his pants and then turned to leave.

"Is there a reason why Neji asked for another apartment?" Kakashi nabbed his book and reopened it to his flagged page, but his attention remained on the other man. He shouldn't have discussed such a private matter with Shikamaru, but Kakashi was the Hokage and he deemed it within his boundaries to ask such a simple question.

"He asked for what?" Shikamaru didn't bother turning around. He froze, his mouth set in a grim line. Had their disagreement been so bad? Had Shikamaru driven Neji further into Tenten's arms? Why did Neji have to go to the Hokage behind Shikamaru's back? "I wasn't aware," he drawled. "I guess I get my own place then."

"I denied his request," Kakashi answered carefully. "Your arrangement is as much for your own convenience as it is for the convenience of the village. We don't have the space right now."

"He must have been pissed," Shikamaru smirked.

"He wasn't happy when he left, no," Kakashi chuckled. "We're in a time when we need to maintain relationships. Whatever happened, I'm sure you can fix it. Now please get out of my office. I'm avoiding this paperwork."

Shikamaru turned around to look at Kakashi, but the man had disappeared, the window left ajar. When he opened the door to leave, Shikamaru ran into Temari. She had no scrolls on her, so she must have handed them off to one of the assistants or left them with Suna ANBU. He didn't know what to say to her, and she didn't seem to know what to say to him. They stood there for a few awkward moments, until he ushered her away so he could close the door to the Hokage's office.

"Where's the Kazekage?" Shikamaru didn't really need to know, but he said the first thing that came to mind. Temari grinned and motioned over her shoulder. "Let me guess, he went to find Naruto," Shikamaru smirked.

"He's easy to read when it comes to Naruto," Temari admitted. "When do you think they'll notice?"

"Never," Shikamaru snorted.

"If they take too long and that Hyuga girl wins Naruto's heart, I'm beating the both of them," Temari said, a determined look on her face. Shikamaru placed his hands on her waist and pressed a kiss to her temple.

"Whoa, I didn't know you had it in you." Sasuke stood there, a file full of papers in his hands. "Temari," he greeted. He looked between the two of them, his expression neutral, and then a smile slowly appeared on his lips.

"Neither did I," Tenten said, announcing her own arrival. "Welcome back." She looked so friendly, and the smile on her face seemed genuine, but Shikamaru still frowned at her. Seeing Shikamaru's discomfort, Temari took the initiative to smile and nod at the girl. "Maybe we could go to dinner sometime. The four of us," Tenten offered. She didn't stay much longer, probably because of the thick tension in the air.

"She's with Hyuga, isn't she?" Sasuke frowned, waiting until she was gone to ask the question. When Temari nodded, Sasuke clicked his tongue. "Hn. He can do better." With that, Sasuke took his papers and disappeared into the Hokage's office.

"He's right," Temari agreed.

"Yeah," Shikamaru said, his tone dismissive. "Let's get out of here." He put one hand on the small of her back and the two of them walked out of the tower and back onto the bustling streets. There were other buildings going up, other homes, restaurants, and grocery stores. There were other topics to occupy their minds, ones unrelated to Neji.

"Look who it is!" No sooner had the two of them left the vicinity of the tower, Naruto made an appearance, with Gaara on his right. The two of them looked like total opposites, from their hair color right down to their facial expressions. Naruto wore a big grin, while Gaara's expression screamed indifference. "Nice seeing you, Temari. When did your lazy ass get back, Shikamaru?" Naruto laughed at him and Shikamaru huffed in annoyance, though a smile did appear.

"The same time as the Kazekage," Shikamaru answered. After that simple response, Naruto engaged in conversation with Gaara, and Shikamaru took it upon himself to slip away. Unfortunately, Temari remained behind. He figured she'd find her way back to the apartment, so he went in that direction.

The building still looked brand new, since it'd only been constructed a short time ago, and the materials had been donated from other nations. In fact, the other nations had donated a great deal to the struggling village, not to forget the rest of the country. Starting over had never gone so smoothly. And the transition from Tsunade's reign into Kakashi's temporary reign, as he demanded everyone acknowledge it as _temporary_ , had gone just as smoothly.

But Shikamaru still saw the bodies that had littered the ground. Everyone he turned, he saw utter destruction. He missed his parents. He missed his sensei. He missed the years before the war. As he ascended the stairs toward his apartment, he took out his pack of cigarettes and jammed one between his lips. Before he even reached the apartment, he had his lighter out and ready. Unfortunately, he heard moans coming from the other side of the door. With nowhere to turn, he pressed his back to the door and slid down the length to the floor below. He leaned his head back against the door and lit his cigarette. He watched the swirls of smoke gather and float up toward the ceiling, all while listening to the moans filtering through the walls and the door.

It was hard. It was hard listening to Neji make love to Tenten, but he didn't have the strength to get up and leave. He was a masochist. He was a mess. He didn't know whether he wanted to scream or cry, whether he wanted to confront or deny. That's where Temari found him, in the midst of his dilemma, during a crescendo of moans. She sunk down on the opposite wall and stretched her legs out until their feet brushed.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Her voice was low, much harder to hear over the moaning, but Shikamaru managed.

At first, he shrugged his shoulders, but then he let the cigarette dangle from the corner of his lips, just long enough to mutter a quick reply. "I don't know," he said. And he didn't know. He didn't know what he'd hoped to accomplish by going back to the apartment. Maybe he was a glutton for punishment. Maybe he was an idiot. He'd considered the possibility of slipping back into his life, of sliding right back into his groove and pretending that nothing had changed. It would have been seamless and so simple.

"Look at me and tell me you don't have feelings for him." He didn't know where or when she'd gotten the idea, but it struck him like a blade to the heart. She looked at him with such determination, with such fire, and he couldn't hide behind his cigarette or his smoke. He pinched the end of his cigarette, putting out the offending flame, and he cleared his throat. "Don't lie to me. If you're going to lie to me, then don't bother, Shikamaru."

"Then what's the point?" He didn't mean to say those words, to ask that question, but he went along with his gut and followed the flow of words until the very end. "I have feelings for him. He doesn't have feelings for me. What do you want me to say? It's straightforward." He really wanted his cigarette then, but he refrained. He pulled his knees up to a bent position and rested his forearms atop them. Their feet were no longer brushing, and he hadn't noticed how much he craved that contact.

"Are you running away from your problems or are you genuinely trying to move on?" She seemed to have her questions all in order and the fact that she did made Shikamaru groan in irritation. Despite his annoyance, she forged on. "Are you using me?"

"I'm not using you!" The moaning had stopped and it was just the two of them, just Temari and Shikamaru. Only their conversation mattered. "I wouldn't do that to you," he insisted. "I'm not that type of guy. Damn," he swore, knocking his head lightly against the door. No one answered. More than likely, Tenten and Neji were the ones listening in, the ones suffering through the awkward conversation.

"This isn't healthy," Temari said, her approach reeking of caution and uncertainty. She didn't know the rough terrain, but neither did he; Shikamaru had been stranded in foreign territory, left to die a slow and painful death. Sometimes, late at night, on an insomnia-driven high, he wished he'd been one of the bodies, just another body in a mass grave.

"Yeah," he answered, his whole body suddenly numb, "I know." And he did know. He'd hoped that he could fix his fragile relationship with Neji, their weird give-and-take agreement that neither one of them had planned, but maybe he hadn't been the one to shatter the bond. Maybe there were too many cracks. Maybe they were hemorrhaging.

"Stay with me in Suna," Temari offered. He could tell by looking at her that she was in the same boat. She'd let her gut guide her and followed along with the words as if they were gospel. Maybe she meant to fuel her own selfish desires, but he actually considered her offer. Whatever he had with Neji truly wasn't healthy. The tattered remains of their friendship, of their _something more_ , existed only to suffocate Shikamaru. "At least until you figure out what you want to do."

"That would be running away," he snorted, shaking his head. She responded by shaking her own head. "You'd classify it as moving on? Onto what? I don't know where I'm going with my life anymore. I lost my family. I hardly see my friends. The guy in there," he stopped, motioning toward the apartment, "tried to leave while I was away on a mission. He tried to get another apartment without even telling me. And I'm supposed to grow new roots in Suna?"

"You're supposed to grow new roots with me, you idiot."

He stopped and stared at her, really looked at her, and he saw someone willing to put up with his unresolved issues, with the entire mess he referred to as his life. He stretched his legs out and lightly knocked his feet against hers. He thought that he could handle the desert environment. He thought he could overcome the misplaced emotions. He thought he could start over. And it wasn't that much of a stretch to imagine those things with Temari.

* * *

 _ **A/N:** No, this isn't the end for Shikamaru and Neji! Next chapter, the apartment door opens._


	10. Farewell

**10\. Farewell**

 _"I'll never see them again. I know that. And they know that. And knowing this, we say farewell." — Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore_

* * *

Just as he and Temari got to their feet, their conversation left unresolved, the door to the apartment swung open. With her head down, Tenten hurried between the two and then down the apartment stairs. She didn't stop. She didn't speak. Her cheeks were aflame and her eyes were downcast, so she must have realized that Shikamaru and Temari had been in the hall for some time, but she wasted no time trying to remedy the situation. Neji stepped up next. He stood in the doorway, fully clothed, and motioned for Temari and Shikamaru to enter into the apartment, as if the two required an invitation. Perhaps he'd heard the conversation; perhaps he understood the delicacy of the situation.

"You sounded like you were having a good time," Temari immediately spoke, launching right into the heart of the matter. Temari was always straightforward and unafraid, and Shikamaru liked that about her. He admired her ability to cut right to the core and maintain some semblance of control. "You know this apartment isn't just yours."

"I wasn't aware you were back," Neji said, addressing Shikamaru rather than Temari. "I wouldn't have been so thoughtless or careless. I," he paused and frowned, "apologize, Shikamaru." Shikamaru had to wonder if the man's apology came from the fact that he'd left Shikamaru to rot in the hallway or if it came from the fact that he'd overhead a private conversation. Shikamaru glanced at Temari and then lifted a shoulder for a shrug.

"No harm done," he dismissed, never really confronting the issue.

Shikamaru was good at skirting around his problems, probably a professional in that sense, and he felt the need to avoid Neji. He didn't want to engage in another argument, not with Temari present. As if sensing the man's discomfort, Temari sighed and made her way toward the stairs. She gave him one final look and then began her descent. Her eyes told him to take care of business, but he wanted to deny such business ever existed in the first place.

"I overheard your conversation," Neji began, "well, I overheard a portion of your conversation. Are you considering moving to Suna?" He looked cool and collected, but Shikamaru had seen the same expression even when the man had been in pain. Shinobi masked their emotions.

"Temari offered me a place to stay," Shikamaru briefly explained. The details made little difference. She'd offered him a place to stay, yes, but she'd offered a lot more than a place to stay. She'd offered him a new beginning, a beginning involving herself. She wanted a relationship with him, something more than he'd ever achieve pining after a man so stubborn and so unwilling to open his heart. "What do you think?" He didn't know why he asked Neji for an opinion, but he did.

"I think you should look at what that means for the village and for yourself. It's a big change," Neji said. He'd moved to close the door behind Shikamaru, but Shikamaru moved to do the same. They ended up standing too close together. Shikamaru still smelled the remains of sweat, but he also smelled the lingering scent of Tenten's perfume, something distinctly feminine in nature. She wouldn't have used it on a mission, certainly nothing requiring stealth, but when she moved around the village, she always smelled of some type of flower, a flower that Shikamaru failed to identify.

"You tried to find a different apartment." Shikamaru finally broached the topic, and Neji visibly winced. Just that reaction fueled the flames. "How long have you been wanting to leave? Am I that difficult of a roommate? Don't bother," Shikamaru huffed.

"With my engagement," he tried, stopping himself. "We can't keep living like this." His voice was low, almost too low, and Shikamaru realized that the words were low so only he would hear them.

"You were 'not going anywhere,' remember? You told me to stop thinking steps ahead. You wanted me to relax. And now you're quick to get rid of me," Shikamaru said, a choked laugh escaping his parted lips. Unknowingly, he'd begun throwing his things into duffel bags. "Maybe Suna is what I need," he pondered, thinking aloud.

Shikamaru stopped throwing his stuff into his bags and looked up at Neji. The man stood there, his arms crossed, just watching Shikamaru throw every personal belonging into unmarked bags. Neji didn't want to see him go, but they both had responsibilities. They had to recover from the war. They had other duties. They weren't kids, had probably never been kids. Genius. Prodigy. Never a _child_. Never _children_. They were built up for brighter futures and starved of the present.

"Tell me one thing," Shikamaru finally sighed. He finished depositing his clothes into two bags, never having much of a wardrobe anyway. The clothes had been taken from the clan areas that remained and from donations. He wasn't really attached to much of anything. He was easy to please, in that way. "Why am I not good enough?"

"Excuse me?" Neji seemed confused, his brows knitted to convey the same emotion. "What do you mean?"

"I love you." The silence that followed was answer enough, but he pressed onward. He let the silence bounce off of him until Neji's shocked face contorted into a deep frown. The sincerity with which Shikamaru had shared his declaration was more than enough to let Neji know the seriousness of the conversation.

"Shikamaru-" Neji began, his voice higher and laced with hesitation.

"No. Listen to me." Shikamaru yanked on the zipper for his duffel bag and nearly ran the thing off track. When he stood back up, he closed the distance between them and stared right into Neji's eyes. "I love you. Why am I not good enough? Why am I not enough?" He had a frown on his face then, one of confusion, yes, but also one of pure sadness. What could he fix? What could he change? Was whatever they shared salvageable?

"Don't do this," Neji sighed, shaking his head. "Don't do this to us." He moved to take a step back, and Shikamaru took a step forward. His back to the wall, Neji looked anywhere but into the eyes staring him down. He couldn't look Shikamaru in the face. He wasn't able to explain himself.

"Answer me," Shikamaru practically demanded. "Don't you owe me that much?"

" _Owe_ you? I don't _owe_ you anything," Neji scoffed. Shikamaru placed his hands on the wall then, blocking Neji in even further. Either one of them could have broken the moment, could have sidestepped or moved away, but neither one made the move. "You're good enough. You're enough," Neji finally said, his voice so small and unequipped to handle the passage of thoughts to voice.

"I love you," Shikamaru enunciated.

There was a moment when Neji should have returned the words, but the moment passed in absolute silence. Shaking his head, Shikamaru went back to packing. He let his hands fall from the wall and turned his back on Neji. When he did, Neji wrapped his arms around Shikamaru and held the man. Neji pressed his front tightly against Shikamaru's back and remained that way for several minutes. He missed Shikamaru. He had no real explanation for his actions, other than responsibilities and duties. He did owe Shikamaru. He owed Shikamaru a great deal. But Neji had been stubborn and irritable, unwilling or unable to listen.

"I can't break off my engagement, and I can't make you stay." Neji placed his lips against the side of Shikamaru's neck and left a lingering kiss.

"You can, but you won't," Shikamaru corrected, sighing. "I won't wait for you."

"I'm not asking you to wait for me. It would be selfish and unfair." Neji frowned, his own words eating at his insides. Selfish and unfair, but wanted. Neji wanted Shikamaru to wait, to wait for the inevitable crumbling of the fake marriage, to wait for Tenten to give up and flee from her obviously otherwise entertained husband.

"Come to Suna with me," Shikamaru offered. It was a different kind of solution, one that Neji had never considered, but one he immediately shot down. The Hyuga family would never allow a branch family member to relocate. The branch served to protect the main house, something that had never changed. Neji still wanted to look after Hinata, as silly as it sounded. Sometime during Neji's thought process, Shikamaru had turned around. Neji wasted no time leaning forward to kiss him on the lips.

"Stay in Konoha," Neji countered.

"And watch you move on with her? No," Shikamaru practically snorted, his distaste for Tenten only made more obvious. Releasing a heavy sigh, Shikamaru let his hands wander along the sides of Neji's body. "I want to stay with you tonight."

"Then stay with me tonight," Neji said. He had a subtle upturn of his lips, just the ghost of a smile, but it made Shikamaru question everything all over again.

Shikamaru left his bags resting by the door, and then he excused himself to go and talk with Temari and meet once more with Kakashi, the interim Hokage. Temari fell in step beside him and the two of them talked along the way. Well, Shikamaru answered a lot of unasked questions, and Temari did her best to listen, without interruption. Yes, he still planned on going to Suna. Yes, he still intended to stay with her. Yes, he still had unresolved issues with Neji. No, he and Neji would never work out. It just wasn't in the cards, so to speak. When the two of them got to the Hokage tower, Shikamaru entered first, followed by Temari.

"Denied."

After Kakashi spoke, Shikamaru stared at him, mouth ajar. Shikamaru tried to wrap his head around the fact that he had nowhere to go. The severity of the situation had risen, considering he'd already packed his belongings. Faced with a problem, he brought his hands together and tried to clear his mind and readjust his thought process. Before he had a chance to approach the problem from a new angle, Temari stepped forward.

"What about an extended mission or a new position? Liaison? Representative? You need a connector to Suna, just like Suna needs a connector to Konoha." Temari had her palm resting atop the desk, as if she'd been challenged.

"The deer have returned to Nara land and as the remaining Nara, it's fallen on you to care for them," Kakashi explained, his tone extremely heavy.

"Then find me another place to live," Shikamaru frowned. "I need a place by tomorrow night."

"Have you asked Chouji? What about Naruto?" Kakashi looked disinterested then, and the man didn't try to hide the fact. So desperate to avoid the subject, he started shuffling through papers on his desk. "If this is a matter of finding you a roommate, can't you do that for yourself?"

"Find him another place to live or we're getting Gaara involved," Temari stated, his eyes narrowing.

"So it's come to that," Kakashi said, his eyes also narrowing. He waited a moment, and then he sighed, "I can assign you as a liaison, but you're expected to spend at least one week out of a month in the village. You'll receive a monthly payment for a B-rank level mission, and that's pushing our funds. If you need money outside of your stipend, you'll have to pick up civilian work. And I expect you to continue your family's work, for the sake of medicine."

"Understood. Thank you, Hokage-sama," Shikamaru replied, an automatic and emotionless response.

Nothing compared to the feeling of finality. Except for seven days out of every month, he had full control of his life. He chose to move to Suna, to start over somewhere new, and he'd taken his first steps. Deep down, he knew he shouldn't have relied on Temari, but he felt as if he had no choice. Relying on someone set him up for the same failure. Eventually, they'd have a disagreement and Shikamaru would be thrown onto the streets with only his belongings for company, and a constant reminder of his duty to serve as a liaison. With some reserve, he parted ways with Temari. She went to the apartment she was sharing with her brother, while he went back to spend one final night in the place he'd called home. He'd never been very good with goodbyes.

* * *

 **A/N:** _So he's leaving to live with Temari. Let's see how that works out. Next up: Chapter 11, Kisses._


	11. Kisses

**11\. Kisses**

 _"You kissed me that morning as if you'd never done it before and never would again, and now I write another letter that I will never dare to send, collecting memories of loss like chains wrapped around my veins, and if you see a fire from the shore tonight it's my chains going up in flames." — Charlotte Eriksson_

* * *

His arms crossed behind his head, Shikamaru slowly made his way back toward his apartment. The sun had set hours ago, casting the village into darkness. Electricity had been supplied to some buildings, while others still temporarily relied on candlelight. The lack of harsh lighting only brought out the starlight. He'd never counted so many, never seen such beauty, and every night he felt the same. He reached his apartment building without incident, but he lingered outside. During his private moment, he heard two people approaching from his right side. His instincts told him to remain on guard, that he was still a shinobi. That's when Ino and Sai emerged from the shadows, and his guard faltered and fell away. Ino looked incredibly intoxicated, while Sai looked like the sober escort. The two men looked at each other until Shikamaru eventually nodded. Sai took a moment or two to comprehend what the nod meant, but he eventually helped Ino into the building.

"Some of us handle things differently," Chouji spoke, announcing his own arrival.

"Why didn't you tell me? Why have you been avoiding me?" Shikamaru sounded hurt, even to his own ears, and he couldn't stand the sound. He wanted to disappear to Suna and rebuild himself, to reconstruct his life in a way he saw fitting.

"You didn't need this on top of everything else." Chouji looked down at the ground, where he'd dug in the toe of his left sandal. "Did you want to be the one carrying her home at all hours of the night? She's at that bar for hours. She's on a leave from the hospital over this. I couldn't drag you down too. You're my best friend."

"Yeah, and you're mine," Shikamaru smiled, though the expression didn't quite reach his eyes. He didn't know how to explain that he was leaving, but he had to find the words. He had to say something. The anxiety clawed at him from the inside. "I'm leaving for Suna tomorrow," he tried. "I'll be a liaison, a representative for the Leaf." He wanted to sound proud, or at least official, but he failed twice. He sounded tired.

"You're going for good?" Chouji sounded hurt then, but the hurt was expected. Shikamaru sprung the move on everyone, including himself. Slowly, Shikamaru shook his head. No, not for good. "How long will you be gone?"

"I'll be there a majority of the time. I'm required to be here one week of every month." Shikamaru slouched, trying his best not to appear eager, trying his best to let the gravity of the situation weigh on his shoulders. "It's not goodbye," he stressed, a frown appearing on his face.

"It may as well be," Chouji said. "I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, but aren't you rushing? What about your lands? What about your apartment? What about your friends?" Chouji was too grown up. Without a bag of chips in his hand, Shikamaru had trouble dealing with him.

"I've considered every avenue and this is for the best. I'll care for the deer when I'm here. Neji will maintain the apartment. I'll still be your friend, Chouji, just mostly long distance. We've been through worse, haven't we?" Looking at Chouji caused his stomach to ache, but Shikamaru didn't know what else to say or do to put his friend at ease. They were parting ways. For the first time, they weren't going to be just a short travel apart. A vast ocean of sand would separate them.

"If this is what you want," Chouji trailed off, implying his understanding and his support.

"Thanks," Shikamaru replied, a lopsided smile in place.

The two of them soon parted ways, Chouji leaving for his clan compound and Shikamaru for his apartment. The journey upstairs seemed like a long one, as if there were new staircases added in during his absence. Faced with the sudden adversity, Shikamaru didn't know why he chose to stay at the apartment again rather than going with Temari. And yet, that meant never seeing Neji. Staying with Temari meant leaving things at an awkward, unresolved end. It wasn't really an ending at all, in his mind. Outside of his apartment door, he raised a fist to knock, but the door swung open and Neji stepped aside to welcome him inside. In hindsight, knocking seemed silly.

"Yo," Shikamaru greeted, falling prey to his own awkwardness. Neji smiled though, and he nodded his head in response. Rubbing at the back of his head, Shikamaru waited until Neji closed the door before slowly moving toward the couch.

"You're staying with me," Neji interrupted, taking one of Shikamaru's hands and guiding the man toward the bedroom. Shikamaru saw Tenten, heard Tenten, and smelled Tenten. He wanted to go back to his couch and forget. "She wasn't in here," Neji said, reading the expression on Shikamaru's face.

"But I heard-" Shikamaru began.

"Don't make tonight about her. I'm not making tonight about Temari," Neji said. Neji looked at Shikamaru as if looking right into the man's soul. Neji knew. Without revealing anything, without any hints, Neji knew that Shikamaru and Temari had been intimate. And it made Shikamaru feel incredibly uncomfortable and, if he admitted it to himself, guilty. "Come to bed," Neji requested, stepping toward Shikamaru to place a hand on the man's cheek.

"Come with me first."

They ended up on their little balcony, each seated at the small table there. Shikamaru pointed out constellations, while Neji hummed in response. Neji knew the constellations, but he reveled in hearing Shikamaru speak. He could have listened for hours. When Shikamaru quieted down, Neji moved their seats closer together and tangled his fingers with Shikamaru's. They sat like that for some minutes, until Neji leaned in and their lips brushed. Shikamaru wished they were different people, wished they were in a different place, but their situation ended in the same way. Neji wasn't ready. Shikamaru refused to wait on an impossibility. With some renewed vigor, Shikamaru turned and captured Neji's lips again, the kiss deeper and rougher than the last.

He tasted like the tea he'd only just consumed, while Shikamaru tasted of berries. They were an odd pair, truth be told, and yet they fit together perfectly. Maybe it was their perfect fit that had them stumbling backwards, lips still locked, toward the bedroom, or maybe it was just something long overdue. They removed clothing as they moved along, leaving vests and shirts behind, and Shikamaru wasted no time exploring the creamy flesh his advances revealed. He nipped and sucked at Neji's exposed neck, and left kisses along the man's collarbones. Neji raked his fingertips along Shikamaru's shoulders and down, lower and lower. They tangled their bare legs together, their erections brushing against one another, until they eased onto the bed.

"What are we doing?" Neji seemed to come out of the haze first, but Shikamaru kissed him and pulled him right back under again. Shikamaru dipped a hand between them and gave Neji's cock a little tug, which elicited a little gasp and a moan. "There's," he stopped, his breathing uneven, and pointed to the bedside table.

When Shikamaru moved away to examine the drawer of the bedside table, he discovered lube. It was an awkward moment that made him wonder if Neji had bought it, if Tenten had bought it, or if it had just magically appeared for the evening. He wanted to ask, to venture into another argument, but Neji knew. Neji drew his attention away by pulling him back over and placing gentle kisses along his chest and down his stomach. Neji's lips passed over Shikamaru's most obvious feature and left burning trails of kisses down to Shikamaru's thighs. Don't ask. That's what the kisses said. Please, don't ask. And Shikamaru obliged.

Shikamaru wasted no time taking both cocks in his hand and rubbing them, the lube making them slick and warm. Neji looked at him with half-lidded eyes, and all Shikamaru wanted was for him to moan, to groan, to cum while shouting out Shikamaru's name. He wanted to mark Neji. He wanted to own Neji. Shikamaru wanted to love and be loved. And that's what drove both of them. When Neji did cum, he cried out, but not Shikamaru's name, yet somehow, that was okay. Their entire lovemaking process made sense.

Neji allowed Shikamaru to take him, and Shikamaru obliged. Tight. Awkward. New. Every word that flew through his mind was muted, eclipsed by the fact that it would be their first and only time together. And he enjoyed every second. When Shikamaru came, he saw Neji beneath him. He saw the man's disheveled appearance. He saw someone amazing, someone worthy of love, of whatever the man desired. And if he wanted Tenten, then Shikamaru would have to survive. Tenten could never elicit such sounds, such moans and pleas, and he cherished that fact as he pulled Neji into a heated embrace. Before they succumbed to sleep, their insomnia temporarily assuaged, Neji cleaned them both up, his light strokes more than enough to make Shikamaru question if he could somehow make it work. What if. What if he stayed in Konoha? What if the two of them snuck around behind Tenten's back? He would have been second best. He would have been sulking in the shadows. He would have been left to want and want, while Neji started a whole life, a whole world, with Tenten.

"I love you," Shikamaru said, his voice deeper and filled with exhaustion.

"I love you too," Neji murmured.

And he did.

The following day, Shikamaru made sure he was the first to wake up, and he placed a lingering kiss upon Neji's brow. Neji reached out and grabbed onto Shikamaru's arm, "I don't want you to go. What can I do to make you stay in Konoha?" They stared at one another for a long time, just holding a silent conversation. Their talk always went back to leaving Tenten, and Neji always refused. He made up excuses that didn't even make sense. Except for when he finally revealed the truth.

"It's me or Hinata," he sighed, releasing his hold on Shikamaru. "I get an arranged marriage or she gets an arranged marriage. I can't do that. She loves Naruto."

"Defy your clan. You aren't caged anymore, Neji." The words were harsh, but Shikamaru held no regrets. He wanted to hate Hinata, to blame the future clan head for every problem befalling them, but it would have been just as easy to blame Tenten. Shikamaru didn't like the ugliness Neji seemed to bring out. "There's nothing you're willing to do," Shikamaru finally said. Neji's excuse, his reasoning, the purpose that drove their problems, made sense, and yet his words didn't. Wasn't love enough? Apparently not.

"Shikamaru," Neji tried, getting to his feet. But Shikamaru just leaned in and pressed their lips together, silencing all the words Neji had yet to say. Their time together had come to an end, but they both needed one last kiss, one last thing to savor when reality set in. "I love you," Neji spoke, breathless.

"I know," Shikamaru smiled sadly.

Neji walked with him to the door, and then the two stood there. There should have been words, gestures, or a special kind of silence to signify their last moment as something more than friends, but there wasn't. Neji pressed his forehead against Shikamaru's, and then the two of them parted. Shikamaru had never been very good at goodbyes, and that was the hardest one yet.

* * *

 **A/N:** _I really should have warned about the sex scene, but I did warn people before AND I upped the rating! Anyway, this isn't the last we'll see of Neji. Next Chapter: Simplicity. It should be out sometime later this week. (I'll also send reviewers tiny previews of the chapter, if anyone wants a preview.)_


	12. Simplicity

**12\. Simplicity**

 _"Out of clutter, find simplicity." — Albert Einstein_

* * *

Sunagakure became home. He didn't know if it became home the moment he stepped foot in the deep sands of the desert environment, or the moment he reentered Temari's apartment. Whenever he had the opportunity to make a conscious decision, to decide where he wanted to place he roots, he chose Suna. He couldn't get the image of pale eyes out of his mind; he couldn't dismiss the feel of delicate hands tracing their way along his body. Despite his troubles, he tried. He took a smaller office in the Kazekage tower and started collecting scrolls of information on the ties between Suna and Konoha. He took some of the work from Gaara and Kankuro, but neither of them complained. Shikamaru shared the weight of his work with Temari, just as easily as he shared her bed. But late at night, when she slept, he contemplated life with Neji versus life without Neji. His insomnia resurfaced at an alarming rate, quickly overtaking any boundaries he'd had in place. His memories swallowed him whole, until there was nothing more than a shadow left behind. He struggled in a way he'd never struggled before, and he felt as if he had no one to catch him when he fell. It wasn't that Temari neglected him, that she ignored him, but she couldn't see underneath the underneath, not in the way that Neji could. Shikamaru kept comparing her to Neji, and every time he compared them, Temari lost. Every single time.

He knew he was being unfair. He knew he was setting himself up for failure—he was setting _her_ up for failure—but he couldn't help himself. He couldn't help the way he felt. And it wasn't always surrounding Neji. He thought about Chouji. He thought about Ino. He thought about the rest of the rookie nine. His home was Suna, but he'd forgotten to tell his heart. As he stood on the apartment's balcony, he stared up at the twinkling stars overhead, and he wondered how many others were doing the same thing.

"There you are," Temari interrupted him. She slid open the door to the balcony and stepped out to join him, and he couldn't say that he minded. She stood next to him, their arms brushing, and began to point out the constellations in the sky. Unknowingly, he'd begun to shiver. "Are you cold?" He waved a dismissive hand, but she no longer pointed out the constellations. They just stood there, one staring at the sky and the other looking out over the city of sand. "He's all you think about, isn't he?"

"Temari," he said, his tone enough of a warning.

"Am I ever going to be enough?" The similarities were striking, and he couldn't stand to hear anymore. Somehow, he'd found a woman to love him, and he'd led her down the very same road he'd embarked upon himself. They were both on separate sides of the ocean, on different sides of the street, and he couldn't bear it.

"You're enough," he said, echoing the words that had been said to him only weeks before. "Come here." He beckoned her closer, and he wrapped his arms around her. Much of their emotions relied on physical contact, which should have been a red flag in itself, but both of them were just stumbling along. "Why do you love me?" He didn't know why he asked, but he did. The words were effortless, practically weightless. She'd never told him that she loved him, but he knew.

"Because you deserve to be loved, you idiot," she said, holding onto him even tighter. After such words, his bones felt brittle, as if her embrace in itself were enough to turn him to dust. She really loved him.

"I'm doing my best. I'm trying. That has to be enough right now," he explained slowly. "You deserve more than I can give you, you know that," he said, just as slowly. "Tell me you know that." Without saying a word, she nodded. He pressed a kiss to her blonde hair and ran his hands over her back in soothing circles. He didn't know what else to say to her to make her feel better. He'd said all the things he'd wanted someone to say to him.

The following day, the two of them made the journey back to Konoha. Glassmakers from Suna wanted a trade deal with Konoha, and Shikamaru was obligated to deliver the scrolls on pricing and payment. In addition to the agreement, Shikamaru had been told to report to Konoha for at least one week a month; with only one week left in the month, he had to go back to the Leaf Village. The journey took three days, with a severe thunderstorm interrupting the middle portion of the journey. Temari and Shikamaru arrived in Konoha on a rainy Monday, emerging from the pouring rain like drowned rats. They went directly to the Hokage tower and reported to Kakashi, presenting the man with the glassmakers' arrangements.

"I think we should negotiate with the pricing; otherwise, this seems like a wise decision. We need glass. Suna is a top exporter in glass. Thanks to the kindness of the Kazekage," Shikamaru said, risking a glance at Temari, "they're at our disposal."

"I'll leave the price negotiations to you. If you have any questions about our budget, you can look through the books." Kakashi didn't seem too interested in the conversation, and Shikamaru couldn't blame him. "I think it's time for the next Hokage," he sighed.

"You've only been in this position for a few months," Temari spoke up. Kakashi turned around in his chair, his gaze moving from the pouring rain outside the picture window to her unhappy face. Both she and Shikamaru wondered why Tsunade bothered to give Kakashi the position. Naruto had been slated for the next Hokage, but Tsunade claimed he wasn't mature enough for the role. Of course, Kakashi disagreed. And somehow, some way, the hat had landed in Kakashi's lap. "With all due respect," she added, rather late.

"Uzumaki Naruto here!" The door flew open and papers scattered everywhere. The boy in question entered the room with his arms full of books. "Where do you want these things? They're really heavy," Naruto complained, doing his balancing act as he moved toward the desk.

"These are the accounting details. And this is Naruto," Kakashi introduced. He spoke as if no one had heard the name before, as if no one had heard the one in question introduce himself just seconds beforehand. "He's my assistant. I'm training him."

"Already?"

"Great job, Naruto."

Shikamaru and Temari both blurted out the words and then simultaneously turned to look at one another. Temari obviously didn't think he was qualified for the position, while Shikamaru thought otherwise. Naruto gave them a thumbs up and then dropped the stack of books onto a clear spot on the desk. Sometime during the little exchange, Kakashi had disappeared. Shikamaru swore under his breath, but he hadn't expected different. Kakashi was always tardy and disappeared when it suited him. Shikamaru clapped a hand on Naruto's back, while Temari rolled her eyes. Maybe it was a little soon, but Naruto wanted the job, and he'd already proven himself time and time again.

"Did you get lost in here again, dobe?" Sasuke poked his head into the room and addressed Naruto.

"To hell with you. I wasn't lost the first time, teme!" Naruto shot back.

Temari collected the three most recent accounting books and Shikamaru led her away from the commotion and into one of the completed meeting rooms. "Maybe they should kiss and get it over with," she said, speaking under her breath. She didn't expect for them to hear her, and true enough, they were still arguing. Their voices carried down the hallway

"They did. It didn't help," Shikamaru chuckled.

* * *

 **A/N** : I apologize for the shortness of this chapter. I remember having problems writing this one. I also wanted the shortness to hint at what Shikamaru and Temari's current relationship is like. It's almost short and to the point. The next chapter has more content. Let me know what you think, please!


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